The thing is, of course it depends on this man’s role in the child’s life, but even if he is only going to visit the child occasionally, he is still the father, so it shouldn’t be threatening for hte child to call him dad or another fatherly name because eventually when the child refers to this man, he will be refered to as the child’s father anyway.

) haha I wouldn’t encourage the child to refer to him as “My Sperm Donor” The fact that the man is the child’s father really won’t take anything away from the mothers, at least it didn’t in my family’s experience or in any other family’s experience that i know of.

I have kept in touch with my donor, but I didn’t meet him until I was 18 so he isn’t a huge part of my life. He also has young kids, so I don’t want to be a matter of confusion for the 5 and 7 year old.

16 y.o. daughter of lesbian moms (and a donor)

Personally, I don’t like calling people by names that are misleading as to their status (i.e. “Uncle Joe” and the like) but if the donor doesn’t want his bio-kids calling him by his first name, he can always come up with a special nick-name that is just what they call him. One of my mothers has a nick-name that I call her that is different from what most other people call her (only her close friends and family call her by the nick-name) and therefore I call her by that nick-name. The nick name could be something like what I used to call my grandfather when I was little … I don’t really know how [the nickname] came about, but it was a mark of affection).

~naomi (daughter of 2 moms, and some other assorted parents)

One of the definite problems that we continue to encounter are questions like “who will be the mother?” and other such things that assume that the non-bio-mother is not “really” a mother. This is a problem that a great deal of work needs to be committed towards in order to ensure that the non-bio-mother is definitely considered just as much a parent as both of the bio-parents are. Negotiating this is a difficult process, particularly in a heterosexist system which assumes that there is always simply one father and one mother, and that no other parental systems can possibly be in place.

However, there is another system of invisibility that is beginning to emerge and take place. In the past two years, since we first began planning our family, we have noticed that queer families themselves maintain a system of assumptions that need to be displaced. This is the assumption that there can be only two parents. In most gay and lesbian circles, there is always the “couple” mentality that seems to point out that only people who are romantically or sexually involved with one another count as parents. As such, in most gay and lesbian circles that I have been present within, my own role as a father is quickly dismissed as merely a donor. Since I plan on being just as much a parent as the two women who I live with will be, I find this as problematic as heterosexist culture’s dismissal of non-biological parents.

Unfortunately, I don’t know what the answer is. Until heterosexist culture begins to recognize that non-biological parenthood is still parenthood and gay and lesbian culture recognizes that people outside of a couple can be parents as well, we will always need to negotiate and re-negotiate our roles, names, and positions. Eventually, perhaps, we may all simply give up and recognize that at least we know who we are to our children. But then again, don’t we also fear that one day our children will utter those dreaded words “you aren’t really my father/mother/other parental figure?” So as long as those fears continue to reside within our hearts, we will always need to reconsider how we view our relationships with our children and with one another.

Sincerely,
Brant

Is this a big deal? Maybe for some. I would choose this, however, over legal and emotional battles any time.

-Chris
Lesbian Mother of 3 year old son (who has two moms).