Aug 1st, 2002
Gay dad wants both wife and boyfriend.
Q:
I am a 20 year old college student and my dad just came out to me. My parents are still married and don’t plan on divorcing. My dad wants to continue his relationship with his boyfriend while staying with my mother. He sees no problem with splitting his life in two.
I feel like my father is cheating everyone and being selfish. My parents have always had a “not-so-perfect” marriage, but now he wants to keep his life with my mother and his children, but have another life on the side.
My mother is having a hard time dealing with everything and is calling me, so I am directly affected by his choices. I have always been involved with my father’s life, we are as close as two people can be, but now I have told my father that I do not want to speak to him until I understand what it is I need from him.
I just feel so lost. Nothing makes sense to me anymore. Any advice for this very unusual situation?
A:
Not speaking to your father is not going to solve anything. In fact, it will only add to everyone’s pain. I have heard from far too many parents whose hearts have been shattered because their children won’t speak to them.
Regardless of children’s reasons for that silence, to a parent who has just come out, they can only interpret a child’s response as punishment and rejection. If you aren’t understanding what you need from him right now, that’s OK. But re-connecting with your father should not be conditional on your figuring that out.
I understand that you are uncomfortable with the family arrangement, but how your mom and dad handle this is not within your control. Some married couples do choose to stay together after one or the other (or both) comes out. Some of those couples remain monogamous, others agree to an open marriage. Some couples try to stay together for many more years, but later decide to split up. There is no one path for your parents and they need to figure out what they will do between the two of them.
As difficult as it might be, you need to get out of the middle. Easier said than done, right? I asked for some guidance on this question from “V.” She moderates an on-line discussion group for over 2000 straight women who are/were married to gay and bisexual husbands.
V. suggests that you tell your mother, “Please leave me out of this, as I love you both. If you are not comfortable with the situation, you need to discuss it with Dad. No one should be pressured or coerced to accept a situation they are not comfortable with.”
V. also made it clear that this is not a situation in which a child can protect a parent. She commented, “Part of [your] mother’s [journey] is learning to assert herself with her husband to communicate her needs and wants rather than involving [you] or anyone else.”
You don’t have to have all the answers right away. Your dad has just come out and your family is changing. That’s a lot to process. Give yourself time. And remember: Loving your father doesn’t mean you love all the decisions he makes.
I had the same situation when my husband told me he was gay. I thought I could live with a situation like that but I couldn’t handle it. Every time he went out I knew where he was going and it made me more bitter. It did not work..I also think that after counciling for a period of time it was a way for him to put the break-up blame on me..I couldn’t handle it therefore the reason for breakup was me..
It also was, as my councilor would say, he can have his cake and eat it too! I also found it much easier to get the break-up over and get my own life on track..I could then love him as the person I knew him to be not someone living with me just because it was the right thing to do….I still love him even though he’s not here anymore…That’s my thought…
It seems to me that the gay persons who leave their children for a lover are very selfish. The impact on children can be something they carry for life.
Children did not ask to be brought into this world, and the 2 people who made the decision to do so need to suck it up and provide a “normal” home for the kids.
Why should these children HAVE to deal with the public.???? Is it fair to have parents who do not want their kids to pkay at their house, or kids calling them names, or being ashamed of the 2 moms, or lacking a regular family???
They often are defending their gay parents when deep down they hate it! They resent it! Many blame thenselves for the coming out.
But , instead we are supposed to feel sorry for the gay parent???? They desert a family in order to “just be happy”. They all state homosexuality is something people ae born with. If this is true, they knew when they made the marriage commitment, and the children decison. These are extemely big decisions that are deserted and forgotten about.
I could go on, but will simply restate, the children and their lives arae much more important then than the”need ” to have a relationship with a lover. Think about it!!!
What is the % of gays who destroy families who remain a couple for any period of time??
It is amazing because your story is almost exactly like mine. My father has come out to our family after 29 yrs of marriage to my Mom. I feel so in the middle of their relationship because they do not plan to divorce either. He has started to meet other men and I feel like he is still betraying my Mom in a way.
It also feels like now that he has come out he doesn’t want to deal with anything from his old life. Its comforting to know I am not alone in this situation.
I don’t want to speak for anyone buy myself but I did not want a gay father. There is something odd about those two words put together. In my case they married when the gay pride movement was not in place but now there is no excuse. Gay men should not marry straight women. End of. Full stop.
When I was young, there was a near unanimous belief that sexual orientation was a choice. People who became “addicted” to gay behavior were simply succumbing to habitual responses–or so the majority belief implied. Thus they could seek counseling, resolve to make different choices, and with enough determination break the habits that had made them think that they were gay. Today that line of thinking is less widely accepted, but is still widely endorsed among evangelical Christians and their counterparts in other faiths. With that way of thinking being instilled in young men, should we really be surprised that many gay teenagers would date women and ultimately enter into heterosexual marriages? I agree with Meret, “Gay men should not marry straight women!” But those who understand the inevitable disappointments that come about when they do should be strong supporters of attractive alternatives for lesbian and gay young persons. I am sure that most religious conservatives are sincere, but they are inferring a view of human nature from their religious texts that simply is untrue, and their views are a large component of the problem.
I don’t know what the hell this is about being “normal”. First of all it takes a lot of self awareness to even realize you are gay or bi or whatever, and while yes some people have the sense of self at a young enough age to figure out whats going on with them some people have to take a lot more years discovering who they are in order to do that. Unfortunately until they figure out who they are a lot of people just do whats expected of them. Second there is absolutely nothing wrong with raising children in gay relationship in the first place. Kids pick each other for absolutely any reason under the sun and a study was done that actually shows the children of gay parents are more likely to be popular well adjusted and happy as children because of a feeling of unconditional acceptance and a lack of pressure to fit into gender roles and these children eventually grow into happier and healthier adults.
Many of the writers are correct. The reason many of us get into marriages and try to live what society terms a “normal” life is to conform to what is expected of everyone. A heterosexual person cannot imagine what a person goes through trying to figure out what you feel inside when everything society and the church teaches you says that you are wrong to feel what you do feel. They were taught that what they feel inside is right, we were taught that our feelings are wrong so we try to force ourselves to make the “right” choice. If we did not do what society forces on us, I think many less marriages would be made for the wrong reasons. I do, on the other hand, feel that people have begun to realize that it is not a choice. As they did not choose to be heterosexual, we did not choose to be gay. If I could choose, I would never choose to be gay. It is a horrible burden to try to hide.
Why would my father stay married to my mother for 48 years and somewhere around age 70 start
practicing promiscuous gay behavior that killed him?
He never came out to anyone.