Comments on: Why is an 11-year-old daughter so angry around her transgender dad? http://familieslikemine.com/2002/10/angry-daughter-of-trans-parent/ Official Website for Abigail Garner's Book Fri, 21 Nov 2008 19:42:59 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.2.2 By: Christine http://familieslikemine.com/2002/10/angry-daughter-of-trans-parent/#comment-2845 Christine Wed, 12 Mar 2008 20:21:41 +0000 http://familieslikemine.com/2002/10/angry-daughter-of-trans-parent/#comment-2845 My "moddy" has been a cross dresser all her life. She told my brother and I about it when we were 7 and 10. Then she went on hormones while I was still in highschool despite the fact that I begged her to wait just one more year until I could get out of highschool and wouldn't have to explain all this to my friends. But she didn't. Then when I was a freshman in college she flew to Thailand and got the surgery. I tried to mourn the loss of my dad but it didn't work. I've tried not talking to her, I've tried therapy, I've tried anti-depressents. Nothing works. I still wish I had a male father. But I don't and I move on and no its not fair what happens to childen of T parents but they will survive. They probably won't have the healthiest of relationships for a while and they probably will have a lot of emotions. But its the support from others that they need. They need to know that although one parent may have coped out on their end of the deal they have a world full of friends and family that didn't. My “moddy” has been a cross dresser all her life. She told my brother and I about it when we were 7 and 10. Then she went on hormones while I was still in highschool despite the fact that I begged her to wait just one more year until I could get out of highschool and wouldn’t have to explain all this to my friends. But she didn’t. Then when I was a freshman in college she flew to Thailand and got the surgery. I tried to mourn the loss of my dad but it didn’t work. I’ve tried not talking to her, I’ve tried therapy, I’ve tried anti-depressents. Nothing works. I still wish I had a male father. But I don’t and I move on and no its not fair what happens to childen of T parents but they will survive. They probably won’t have the healthiest of relationships for a while and they probably will have a lot of emotions. But its the support from others that they need. They need to know that although one parent may have coped out on their end of the deal they have a world full of friends and family that didn’t.

]]> By: Sarah http://familieslikemine.com/2002/10/angry-daughter-of-trans-parent/#comment-2515 Sarah Sun, 03 Feb 2008 13:55:12 +0000 http://familieslikemine.com/2002/10/angry-daughter-of-trans-parent/#comment-2515 My 'dad' is a 'transexual' my parents are still together, and I still find it weird, my brother and I were bullied to an extent through our childhood, I still find it hard to deal with the fact that my 'dad' whom I now call my aunty to friends, isn't my dad anymore. It makes me angry, and I often think he/she is very selfish, it upsets me quite a lot of the time, the only person I've ever talked to about it is my mum. I also find it hard when I get new boyfriends, and I am scared they will find out from someone else before I tell them. I also find it hard, when she gets angry with me and tries to shout at me, as I don't see this person as my father anymore. My ‘dad’ is a ‘transexual’ my parents are still together, and I still find it weird, my brother and I were bullied to an extent through our childhood, I still find it hard to deal with the fact that my ‘dad’ whom I now call my aunty to friends, isn’t my dad anymore. It makes me angry, and I often think he/she is very selfish, it upsets me quite a lot of the time, the only person I’ve ever talked to about it is my mum. I also find it hard when I get new boyfriends, and I am scared they will find out from someone else before I tell them. I also find it hard, when she gets angry with me and tries to shout at me, as I don’t see this person as my father anymore.

]]> By: Renee http://familieslikemine.com/2002/10/angry-daughter-of-trans-parent/#comment-2392 Renee Fri, 18 Jan 2008 06:01:31 +0000 http://familieslikemine.com/2002/10/angry-daughter-of-trans-parent/#comment-2392 Sue, you sound an awful lot like one of those people who would "save the marriage" in order to "spare the kids". The kids are not better off when a parent is depressed. Emotional unavailability does not "spare" them in any way. Of course the child shouldn't be blamed, but as adults we are responsible to show them that hate and resentment are a non-productive way of dealing with someone else's life choices, and that accepting the differences of those close to us and learning to live with them ultimately makes us better people. Sue, you sound an awful lot like one of those people who would “save the marriage” in order to “spare the kids”. The kids are not better off when a parent is depressed. Emotional unavailability does not “spare” them in any way. Of course the child shouldn’t be blamed, but as adults we are responsible to show them that hate and resentment are a non-productive way of dealing with someone else’s life choices, and that accepting the differences of those close to us and learning to live with them ultimately makes us better people.

]]> By: Sue http://familieslikemine.com/2002/10/angry-daughter-of-trans-parent/#comment-2247 Sue Sat, 22 Dec 2007 04:06:17 +0000 http://familieslikemine.com/2002/10/angry-daughter-of-trans-parent/#comment-2247 I think you are all crazy. I don't blame any child that hates their transgendered father. They have already made the commitment to be a father and it is a selfish decision to break that commitment and become a woman at this point. It is unfortunate that some people live their lives unhappy and feel that they are in the wrong sex, but they should suck it up and go on living depressed to spare their children, wives, and family. They have already committed to their families which may have been a mistake, but it is not something they have the right to take back. I think you are all crazy. I don’t blame any child that hates their transgendered father. They have already made the commitment to be a father and it is a selfish decision to break that commitment and become a woman at this point. It is unfortunate that some people live their lives unhappy and feel that they are in the wrong sex, but they should suck it up and go on living depressed to spare their children, wives, and family. They have already committed to their families which may have been a mistake, but it is not something they have the right to take back.

]]> By: Pam http://familieslikemine.com/2002/10/angry-daughter-of-trans-parent/#comment-1901 Pam Tue, 07 Aug 2007 12:48:21 +0000 http://familieslikemine.com/2002/10/angry-daughter-of-trans-parent/#comment-1901 Caroline - I wish I could talk to you. I am the MTF biological father of a son who is now 26 years old. Fate's intervention resulted in my coming out to him and subsequently leaving my ex and both of my sons when he was 16. We were a very close family before I came out but that changed drastically afterwards (my ex and my 26 y.o. son have nothing to do with me now but my 29 year son still does). I have gone on being called "Dad" because nothing is more important to me than having their love and if that's what they want to call me so what? (I am, after all...) But as I said, the 26 y.o. has completely cut me off and I have tried everything I can think of (from groveling to getting angry) to reconnect with him. Aside from my own feelings about this I never did and still do not want to hurt him but I also don't know what else I can do. As a child of a transsexual parent, do you have any suggestions for me? Thanks, Caroline, and may you find peace in your heart in your relationship with your father. Pam Caroline -

I wish I could talk to you. I am the MTF biological father of a son who is now 26 years old. Fate’s intervention resulted in my coming out to him and subsequently leaving my ex and both of my sons when he was 16.

We were a very close family before I came out but that changed drastically afterwards (my ex and my 26 y.o. son have nothing to do with me now but my 29 year son still does).

I have gone on being called “Dad” because nothing is more important to me than having their love and if that’s what they want to call me so what? (I am, after all…)

But as I said, the 26 y.o. has completely cut me off and I have tried everything I can think of (from groveling to getting angry) to reconnect with him.

Aside from my own feelings about this I never did and still do not want to hurt him but I also don’t know what else I can do.

As a child of a transsexual parent, do you have any suggestions for me?

Thanks, Caroline, and may you find peace in your heart in your relationship with your father.

Pam

]]> By: Caroline. C http://familieslikemine.com/2002/10/angry-daughter-of-trans-parent/#comment-1472 Caroline. C Wed, 10 Jan 2007 00:05:36 +0000 http://familieslikemine.com/2002/10/angry-daughter-of-trans-parent/#comment-1472 i am a daughter of a transgender father. i know exacly why the little girl is so angry. this where my first feelings: what would you do? all the people that are saying: 'but you get something beautiful instead'. no i don't. cause here i am grieving while my father isn't that at all! but still i feel like he is dead. cause now i almost have two mothers. seriously you have no idea how angry it makes me. it's so selfish, and i know he can't do anything about it, it also seems horrible to me to grow up in a wrong body. but still. i feel so powerless.. it all feels like a bad dream. but now i'm accepting it. i have a special dad, and i love him in a special way. but still it hurts when we are with his 'girlfriends' and he says to me before we go: 'don't call me names, just call me Cleo'. and i'm like which names? 'well you know like dad and stuff'. i'm not aloud to call my father 'dad' in front of his 'girlfriends'. that's hard. i just feel like there isn't enough help for the children of transgender fathers, though Abigail has a beautifull website. we (the children of transgender parents) need to get in tough. i am a daughter of a transgender father. i know exacly why the little girl is so angry. this where my first feelings: what would you do? all the people that are saying: ‘but you get something beautiful instead’. no i don’t. cause here i am grieving while my father isn’t that at all! but still i feel like he is dead. cause now i almost have two mothers. seriously you have no idea how angry it makes me.

it’s so selfish, and i know he can’t do anything about it, it also seems horrible to me to grow up in a wrong body. but still. i feel so powerless.. it all feels like a bad dream.

but now i’m accepting it. i have a special dad, and i love him in a special way. but still it hurts when we are with his ‘girlfriends’ and he says to me before we go: ‘don’t call me names, just call me Cleo’. and i’m like which names? ‘well you know like dad and stuff’. i’m not aloud to call my father ‘dad’ in front of his ‘girlfriends’. that’s hard. i just feel like there isn’t enough help for the children of transgender fathers, though Abigail has a beautifull website. we (the children of transgender parents) need to get in tough.

]]> By: Rosalyn L Forrester http://familieslikemine.com/2002/10/angry-daughter-of-trans-parent/#comment-125 Rosalyn L Forrester Wed, 29 Mar 2006 17:57:31 +0000 http://familieslikemine.com/2002/10/angry-daughter-of-trans-parent/#comment-125 I'm wondering who has the issue here. I re read the letter a few times and the writer seems to have a bias. The writer says that everytime the children see their dad she is dressed as a woman. And I ask, how would a person who has transistioned dress but as the way their internal gender tells them? What we aren't learning is if the children were able to still see both parenst without interruption, or are they only now having the chance to see a long missing parent? I also wonder how the one parent is reacting to the other. Is there support or anger coming from the non transexual parent? Children get the crappy end of break ups because they are in the middle and have no say. Since transexual parents are only now gaining rights, I`m guessing she lost a few years of seeing her children. Another factor I see is that the one child is coming into her teens, a time when they themselves come to terms with their own sexualality. That`s confusing as it is. I think what these kids need to do is to find a youth/child support either online or in person for children with queer parents. COLLAGE is one such org that allows children to speak with others in a non judgemental way. There are also some support groups starting to come out online, but again right now I would suggest COLLAGE, if it truely is their issue and not the issue of the writer. Having children myself, one 10 and the other 20 I sense something else going on. I’m wondering who has the issue here. I re read the letter a few times and the writer seems to have a bias. The writer says that everytime the children see their dad she is dressed as a woman. And I ask, how would a person who has transistioned dress but as the way their internal gender tells them?

What we aren’t learning is if the children were able to still see both parenst without interruption, or are they only now having the chance to see a long missing parent?

I also wonder how the one parent is reacting to the other. Is there support or anger coming from the non transexual parent? Children get the crappy end of break ups because they are in the middle and have no say. Since transexual parents are only now gaining rights, I`m guessing she lost a few years of seeing her children.

Another factor I see is that the one child is coming into her teens, a time when they themselves come to terms with their own sexualality. That`s confusing as it is.

I think what these kids need to do is to find a youth/child support either online or in person for children with queer parents. COLLAGE is one such org that allows children to speak with others in a non judgemental way.
There are also some support groups starting to come out online, but again right now I would suggest COLLAGE, if it truely is their issue and not the issue of the writer.

Having children myself, one 10 and the other 20 I sense something else going on.

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