Let me give you a little insight here: When she married you, if she had no idea that she would ever have to face an open marriage situation with you, then this probably came as a heck of a shock to find out that her life with you…as she thought it would play out…was changed forever.

Most wives would have thrown in the towel. I agree with the other person: there must have been something that clued you in before you were married that you were bisexual (and I know I’m going to get a lot of hate mail here), and the fact that you married your wife with this knowledge is …pure and simple…deception on a level that is beyond reproach. Ok guys, I know this is not always the case, but come on….

However, she was brave enough to stay with you, support you, and not neglect your children.

I’m not sure if you two are still physical with each other, but…let me tell you…it’s hell to lie next to a man who is only in the marriage for companionship and emotional love. After a while, it makes you question yourself on so many different levels. Physically, mentally, emotionally. Trust me, I know. And, for the last seven years…have been supporting my husband. But it is never easy. And while I have chosen to not date other men, he tells me that he’s afraid that I will find someone else and leave him. I would love to reassure him that that will not happen…but there is no guarantee.

For you to take what your wife has given so freely (an open marriage) and then get your feelings hurt when she has found someone who may be able to offer her what you can’t…is so selfish that I can’t even describe it.

Yes, it hurts to see her with someone who may actually want her…only her. I am not diminishing your emotions here…but for god’s sake…don’t you think that your wife has already faced the fact that YOU may find someone and leave HER?

For your sake, your wife’s sake, and for your children’s mental and emotional health….stay in counseling. Be open about your feelings with your wife. And understand that when you started this journey with your wife, there was always the chance that she may find someone else. If she was willing to face that possibility, then so should you.

I really feel your pain though. You built you life with your wife and it is comfortable. But there is a part of you that wasn’t lived out and now is. I have heard of open marriages and I can see there are many situations that actually seem to encourage them.

Most people are hurt when their spouse cheats and I feel that even when consentual the damage is there no matter how you sugar coat it unless you are’nt honest about it.

So what do you do? How do you win in this situation? I think the best people to ask are those that have been through it and my opinion might be worthless.

But I know how you must feel. You want the best of both worlds. You want to be there for your kids wife and satisfy you sexual side. I say keep trying what you guys are doing and what ever you do just think of the kids. If you ever think it might be to hard for them. If they start to pick up on whats going on what will you do? Tell them about it? Maybe it would be better for your kids to know who you really are. And theres nothing wrong with being gay its a part of you.

You say that you came out to your wife, in order to be honest. I do have one question, have you been 100% honest? Are your homosexual experiences new to you? Have they only occurred in the last two years? Why did the relationship, you were having with the man, breakdown?

You say that you want to maintain your marriage and relationship with your wife. From this I assume that you want to maintain your homosexual experiences to a purely sexual level. This may be ok for you but your wife, it would seem, can not live like that. If your wife starts a relationship with this man, it may well develop into something more. If that is the case, then you really can’t complain. You wanted to bring other sexual partners into your marriage. Therefore there was obviously a possibility of this happening. You don’t really have any right to be jealous, although it is only natural for you feel that way. Your wife is only being honest with you, by saying that she has stronger feelings for this man than purely sexual ones. If she falls for him, then you’ll just have to accept it. Maybe she wants someone who will give her 100% of themself. What would happen if you met a man who you felt that you wanted more than a sexual relationship from.

It seems that she has been an incredibly excepting woman. One who puts her children’s and to a degree your needs first. Maybe now she is thinking about herself. It may well be better for the both of you, to find fulfilment elsewhere. The situation as it is may well be fulfilling for you, but it’s not for your wife. Well not anymore at least. Yes the children are a concern, but I’m sure that they’ll be ok. That is of course as long as they know that they are loved and are brought up in a secure environment. They need to know that they are the most important people in both your lives.

I think that you should not stand in the way of your wife exploring a relationship with this man. It may not develop into anything more. Having said that it may well do. You owe it to her to at least see if this man can give her all that she needs. Yes she probably still loves you and will always have feelings for you. Afterall you’ve spent a great deal of your lives together.

I wish you both luck and I hope that all parties will find happiness and fulfilment. More than that I hope that your children will not suffer ant psychological and emotional damage from sexual lifestyles. I do think that it is best that they know the truth as soon as they are old enough to understand. It is better for them to know from you, than for them to work things out or find out from other people. That I know will cause damage. Just ensure that you are honest and put their needs first, not your own.

This has nothing what so ever to do with the religious-ness of the commitment. I think the writer confuses one thing with another. An open marriage or bisexual life is in no way a “Bad” example or a good example to children or the rest of society. What it is, is another way of life in the world and just because I, or the writer, does not wish this for themself, does not mean we should put others down. What’s the differance of what you said and what the religious right have said about lesbians and gay men being married. I think we should check our bigoty before we speak.

Chris and Jackie
Lesbian mothers of 3 year old boy