I was shocked and i cried and didn’t say a word to him…. i just kept it to myself and then realized that it didn’t matter that i loved him anyway…

my questions is: Can the hormone therapy totally change a person’s personality? i don’t know who i married… he is so completely different he says that i have changed but i think it’s him.. he seems so angry and every little thing makes him mad… i worry for him… first of all this secret life he lives has got to weigh so heavily on him… no one knows who he really is and for the last 14yrs i have helped him live it… i’m afraid that he would not be able to handle it if people knew who he was or they found out….

the questons i am asking is because i worry for him and after 14yrs we have decieded to separate for good.. i will always love and care for him but not as his wife…. help me find some website for him to come to grips with who he is…

He was shook up, but he hasn’t denied me access to our children, and he’s handling his mother’s reaction (which wasn’t pleasant). I was able to give him some information, and although he still says he “doesn’t know what to think,” at least he’s not reacting the way I was afraid he would. His first concern was for the children and what this would do to them, and I’m not sure he’s over that fear yet, but in time I have hopes that I can show him the relevant literature and that he will understand that this is not harmful to the children.

And now I’m free to be myself with my children — there’s no one who doesn’t know about me now.

Thank you for your splendid advice. I can’t thank you enough.

I’m not saying that will happen, but don’t panic if he seems to turn on you without warning. Hang in there, don’t bad mouth him in front of the kids, keep living with integrity, and he will come around again.

Explain it to them in very simple terms,and answer in simple terms but don’t try to make them understand or pressure them to talk about it.

You are right about putting the children in the middle, so don’t. After you have told them either write a letter to him or call him. Again short and sweet, direct him to books or web sites but don`t you try to explain it at that time, try later when he has digested and given real thought to questions.

Also, you didn’t mention it in your posting, do you have a lawyer involved in the divorce because you may want to consult the lawyer about what could or could not happen.

In the end there is nothing you can do to stop you ex from any way he chooses to think or feel. That is in control of your ex so don’t let him hang it on you.

It sounded as though you have a positive support system around you, good for you. Have you looked into and queer parent groups or queer dad groups? That would be great if you could find some that meet for social support for each other and their kids. We started our own here in Canada for queer moms and it`s amazing how much it helps kids not feel like they are the only ones with queer parents.

Oh you will have to decide what your children will call you, either by your name or dad or something else alone those line.

My oldest daughter calls me Leslie and youngest calls me mom, so I understand what it is you are going through. I`ve also done the custody trial thing too. Did well there too.

So Stay true to yourself and hold your head up, when you’re happy your children will be happy. Hold them, love them and be yourself.

One thing that I do think that you have to bare in mind is that although you are becoming a man, you will always be your childrens mother. I personally believe for their own sense of equilibrium it is vital that you do not push this out of your mind. You certainly must not allow them to think that this is the case. I think if such a feeling is allowed to be fostered, it could lead to a child thinking that it should not be here. This can be very dangerous.

I fully appreciate the desire to say this is who I am accept it, but it’s not as simple as that. I sense that you are aware of this. You were a woman when you married your husband as you were when you had your children. You no longer believe that this is correct and you need to be a man, well fine you can do that. You have a past with them and you want to maintain them in your life, therefore you can’t just wave goodbye to the fact that you were once a woman, well physically at least. I believe that it is just as important for people to honour their past, as it is to live in the present and to look forward to the future.

I wish you and your family peace, love and understanding.

So tell the truth. But present it to him in a way that he can process it. Don’t give him the interpretation. Just state the facts.

I`m happy to say that this is happening less and less as more of us come out and take a stand. They are a part of us just as they are for our ex`s and as such have no claim agaisnt our children. Unless someone can show how you have harmed your children they cannot keep them from us. Transman has started on a his journey, and I`m glad that he has found the strength to be himself.

If you get nothing else out of my message I hope you get these two things. First there is nothing wrong with you and if your children loved you before, they will continue to do so. Second, you are not a transexual not transgender. There is nothing wrong with your internal gender, which is male. The problem is with the external sex, which corrections can be made to. Too many of the GBL groups have this idea that saying transgender means us, but the reality it means all of us, them included. So what they do by using transgender to refer to us is to hide our identity, while showing theirs. I think it`s about time that we do away with thatterm that has been forced on us, ad reclaim ourselves in whole. Sorry about that.

You have many more challenges ahead of you, but now that you are on the way to bringing your body in line with your gender, you will be able to meet these challenges head on.

Be Well TransMan

My problem is how is he going to handle me being a woman (M2F) while he is just starting puberty? I understand that the kids come to terms and understand but you are talking about younger children not a 13 year old.

I am desperate to find an answer. I want to tell him because he is the final one to know. My daughter which is 18 years old. She says Daddy as long as you are happy and healthy that is all that matters. She told her newly married husband. He answer, Your dad is the coolest dad in the world, He accepted me as a son when He first met me. I doesn’t bother him. My ex wife is aware. She and I are searching for a way to tell our son before he finds out from someone else.

But what does her insistance on calling me “John” and referring to “him” to the girls have on their dealing with the changes? Our daughters, 11 and 7, spend every other weekend with me. Our eldest has a need to say nearly every time we are together, “Your not a girl, and you never will be. Mommy even says that.”

Is it better just to let her air her frustration and to move ahead by hearing her feelings and then letting her make her own “transition” in her own time? (I’ve been told by several folks that the most important person, besides me, in helping children to deal with gender transitions is the other parent.) Or would we be wiser to return to mediation to discuss this.

(Counseling is not an option. My former spouse has refused.)

Joanne, Everett WA