Comments on: Should nieces attend their aunt’s commitment ceremony?

By: Marilyn

Marilyn — Fri, 07 Apr 2006 22:59:20 +0000

I attended a commitment ceremony for a close friend of the family in May 2003. All of the family of one of the partners was at the ceremony, including the, also gay, twin sister of one partner and her gay brother, straight brother and his wife, and straight sister. Also in attendance, were both parents and a minister and rabbi. Professional pictures were taken of the couple and the family group, as one would expect. The affair was catered and a harp played. It was beautiful and very touching to see so much love expressed. Unfortunately, the wife of the brother decided that their children should not attend. The daughter is 13, son 8, and baby 1.

This family is VERY close and pictures adorne the walls of the grandparents house with all weddings and other special occasions. It has always been very obvious that there were gay aunts and uncle. Partners or current lovers are always included in Thanksgiving and Passover etc. One wonders what the children will think when they see the formal commitment pictures on Nana’s wall and realize they were not included. I do not think they will be happy to have not even been told what was going on much less not told they were invited. The 13 yr old girl will be very upset. As it turned out, the baby did come with the parents as the mother tried to back out of attending saying she did not have a sitter at the last minute and at that point the brother insisted she come and bring the baby.

This truly was one of the most moving ceremonies I have ever been to and am sick that the kids missed it. The grandparents were at a loss of what to do not wanting to interfer with the parenting of the grandchildren. How sad that with all the strides we have made so much fear still exists on this subject. Why are same-sex relationships seen as sexual only and not as loving shared lives. I do not know.

By: The Question Asker

The Question Asker — Wed, 29 Mar 2006 15:17:12 +0000

After reading your response, I made the responsible — and I feel correct — decision to take my kids to their aunt’s wedding. My daughter will be participating as a flower girl.

Before I received your response, I had decided against taking them. Although my sister was very supportive of my initial decision to not take them, she was more than overjoyed when I told her they would be coming. I’ll update you after the wedding! Thank you!

By: Frieda

Frieda — Wed, 29 Mar 2006 15:14:53 +0000

What an appropriate article to read! My daughter and her partner just had a very small initimate committement ceremony and our daughter-in-law chose not to allow or tell my 13 year old grandaughter or 9 year old grandson to be present–the three year old came, guess he was too young to be influenced.

I felt they missed a wonderful opportunity to see love expressed and so wish they would of been part of that experience and you are right no matter how open a family is there are always things that occur that make you realize that there is still much learning to do. Thanks for the article.

By: Anonymous

Anonymous — Wed, 29 Mar 2006 15:13:22 +0000

I was glad to read that you decided to have your children participate in your sister’s ceremony. All to often “family members” will make convenient excuses not to participate in this most special time. It’s a shame.

I was 35 when I committed to my partner. Having never been “married” in the straight world, this was my one and only wedding. I hate that some of my family didn’t feel comfortable in participating. The only thing that would have made that day more special would have been to have more family participate in a loving, supportive manner.

By: Krista

Krista — Wed, 29 Mar 2006 15:12:20 +0000

I think you should talk to your kids about it. They are already at an age that they know the difference between us and them. Meaning, they have already picked up that a large part of the United States look at same sex marriages as being “gross”. Your son obviously picked this up from somewhere other than home if you are saying you don’t discuss it because it hasn’t come up. Maybe you should discuss these things before they come up. My daughter is four. I am a straight parent, and was raised with a gay father. She already knows that her Papa likes boys. She will never be grossed out by same sex marriages because she know it as two people loving each other regardless of their gender.

There is always age appropriate language to use to discuss these issues with children. Maybe you are uncomfortable discussing it. If so, my advice would be to find some other families who have gay siblings and discuss your feelings so that you can better communicate with your children.

By: Danny

Danny — Fri, 06 Jun 2003 00:15:27 +0000

Personally I think that it would be good for your children to attend. If nothing else it would normalise their aunts relationship, in their eyes. Although you say that they don’t either have an opinion or care about your sister’s relationship, I would suggest that they do. You expressed that one thought that it was yucky and the other mentioned that they needed a husband. This does suggest that they don’t regard lesbian and heterosexual relationships in the same way. When they spend time with their auntie, they will also spend time with her partner. Therefore it would be better for all concerned if she is seen in the same way as other relatives spouses.

Your children may well be teased about their auntie being a lesbian. Not going to the ceremony will not alter this. If they do see that their auntie is in a fully legitimate relationship it will make it easier for them to deal with the prejudices of others.