Comments on: Father struggles to accept gay son.

By: susie

susie — Sun, 06 Jul 2008 12:58:57 +0000

I never said I thought my daughter should be dead. Never would I even think of such a thing. She knows she is free to live her life. I just will not, cannot, accept her lifestyle. She is who she is, and I am who I am. I am sad, very sad and really don’t care if I die tomorrow, but I have tried everything for my depression. You have no idea.
I want her to be happy and if this lifestyle makes her happy, so be it. You are wrong to ask me to change who I am. I never speak badly of her to anyone. I will always love her but will never accept this choice just as she will never accept me for what I believe.

Not everything that makes you happy is good for you physically, mentally or spiritually. If my daughter was doing drugs, or was a stripper and she was happy doing that, should I accept that as well because that is just what makes her happy.

Get over it, you say.
There is no need for you to be cruel because you don’t agree with me.
Are we not allowed to have our own beliefs and opinions or must we go along with the agenda for us to be accepted as well?

By: build a bridge & get over it

build a bridge & get over it — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 10:37:43 +0000

It saddens me that susie is so strung over her daughters lifestyle in such a way that she feels she’d rather be dead then live through it.
How selfish of you to think the way that u do? You say your family is falling apart because of this?? Well it sounds to me that you’re the one who’s falling apart because you cant accept it and you’re just taking the rest of your family down with you.

& to compare a gay relationship with mere crushes of a relative?? Lady come on!!! With that type of down right foolishness, is it safe to say you’re daughter is better of dead than living a happy, healthy lesbian life? & by the sound of it, had she told you sooner, she may not have gotten the good education and support that most teens could really use now days. & that situation couldve played out far worse. Would you be happier going to bed at night knowing she’s earning her dollars by selling drugs, stripping for strangers or better yet, working that neighborhood sidewalk? Of course not! If you’re daughters life and well being matters to you, then you should start trying to build that bridge and get over it. Nobodys saying its gonna be easy, but the change needs to come from YOU! Not your daughter! She obviously trusted you enough to tell you, so quit blaming her for your lack of acceptance.

By: Helen

Helen — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 08:37:13 +0000

I put the words “gay”, “accept” and “parents” in google hoping to come across something that would give me hope and now I feel even worse than I did before I started reading these comments. I came out to my family three years ago, I had been lying to them for 2 months, disappearing a lot, I had fallen in love with a girl. I told them I was bi, they sat me down in my bedroom all five of them (mum,dad,2 older sisters& younger brother) and told me they would never accept it, never want “that lifestyle” around them, and begged me to not tell people in the area that we live, they were so embarassed/ ashamed. I shot right back in the closet, I hated them for so long, I still had girlfriends but it all happened on the side, secret, away from them like they requested, so they knew it was still happening but I think they were happier just not having it in the house or spoken aloud. The weird thing is that I moved back home and told myself that living this way was not so bad, still got the best of my family, while still being able to be myself on the side and now at the age of 24 I’m only just realising how naive I’ve been. I have to get away from them or I’ll never be ok with who I am, theyve installed in me this mentality that I have to lie, that I should always expect people to be homophobic. They told me society would never accept me and if i “CHOSE” to be that way then i would have a tough life. Having cancer is a tough life. Losing your legs is a tough life. Being homeless on the streets is a tough life. I have so much anger in side of me, at the things they said to me, the way they treated me, I know they loved/love me so much and ill never understand why not one out of 5 people looked up and said “hang on, this is our daughter/sister” and just think for a second that what they were doing wasnt right, but they didnt, havent. I had a panic attack on the bus last night, just out of the blue, I staggered home up to my room and just collapsed on the floor, my hand to my chest, I felt like my heart was falling out of me, I know that sounds cheesey but it was like I had to hold it in, I was just lying on the floor hugging myself thinking “why didnt they try?” I had spent a lovely day around my sisters house with my nieces and had a lovely evening with my mum dad and brother and when I have nice days with them it destroys me because I see how wonderful they are and Im so sad that one day I will have to stop this because one day I will have the courage to not live my life on the side anymore, move out of here and put myself first. When I have children I will try my best to never let them feel anything like this because it’s agony. my parents bought me into this world telling me they just wanted me to be happy and I believed them, they lied to me for 21 years, I lied for 2 months and they held those 2 months against me for 3 years, they concentrated so much on my short term lying that it overshadowed even the subject matter, they thought they could drown me in guilt so they would never have to talk too much about what I was actually saying to them- to this day mum looks up sometimes and has the cheek to say “remember when you changed? when you were’nt a nice person?” I want to scream back- “remember when you broke my heart”. They have eachother and I have them but it’s conditional.

To the parents that are struggling with this, I get that its hard, I know why my parents did what they did, though ill never understand or forgive them, i know why, but it’s your daughter/ your son, you may have no idea of the personal torment they are going through themselves. You cant help who you are naturally attracted to, I hate the word “sexuality” because it’s so based on sex, and this isnt about sex, before sex comes the natural feeling of just liking someone, you cant force yourself to like a particular type of person if it doesnt feel right it doesnt feel right and you cant change that. Your children have to live the way that feels right and natural to them, if they dont, like me, if they live it on the side of what you want, theyd only resent you, hate you for it, what kind of life is that? believe me, from experience, it’s no life at all.

By: Robert

Robert — Thu, 08 May 2008 19:27:21 +0000

Well I know this must be a very hard time for you, however you have to try to understand your son. If it’s so hard for to TAKE the news imagine how hard it was for him to ACCEPT it himself! I am a 17 year old gay male. Trust me when i tell you that the reason why we come out to our parents is so that they can support us, and let us know we’re not alone. when i first told my parents they had a hard time getting through it, especially my dad. Unfortunatelly i barely speak to my dad now, and it’s very hard because reguardless of him not accepting me i love him because he is my father. I think that it’s just a matter of time, take you’re time. Whatever you do don’t leave your house because your son will think that he was the reason why you left when i know that tyou know he’s really not the reason.

By: I love you more than anything

I love you more than anything — Mon, 05 May 2008 22:02:29 +0000

Hi Susie, Susan and Lynn. I can see by reading your excerpts that you are going through some inexplicable times. As a parent of a gay son, I can sympathize with you. The wedding will not happen as you have planned, the grandchildren may not happen as you have planned. However, there is hope for you and your daughter’s relationship. What is important is that you love her and want the best for her. What would have happened if you had a child that was born with a severe birth defect, you would have changed your vision of how to raise that child and your family as a whole would have adjusted. What if your child was in an accident and became paralyzed. Again, you would change your vision of how to care for that child and your family as a whole would adjust. If you child contracts a life threatening disease, again you would adjust your life so that whatever time you had left on this earth you could spend together. Being gay is not a defect, disease, or life changing accident. Whatever it may be, however it may be, your child is your child, and you love them, support them, hold their hand through whatever comes their way. They did not ask to be born, you wanted to bring a child into this world and you chose to give birth to them. At that point in your life, you made a commitment to stand by them and raise them to the best of your ability, whatever may come. Your child did not ask to be gay just like they didn’t ask to be born. I know life is hard. I know that life throws us curves, I have experienced one myself. However, my son is a brilliant, wonderful, caring, successful, human being. He will start college next fall and was accepted to the 7th ranked University in the nation for the field he will study. Can the fact that he is gay keep me from being proud of him or loving him, or supporting him while he continues his education? No, it can’t considering all the other positive things in his life. I guess what I am trying to say is that try to focus on the positive side of what your daughter has to offer. There is still so much life to live. Don’t waste the time that you have together on this earth. If you think your daughter being a lesbian is a negative, then cherish and embrace the positive side of her. You don’t have to ever accept the fact that she is a lesbian, just like you don’t ever have to accept a birth defect, disease or an accident. However, for the good of all involved, you change your vision and you adjust. You can be the pillar of your family. You are strong. Thank God for giving you a daughter to love. Thank God for giving you this chance.

By: susie

susie — Sun, 27 Apr 2008 02:00:14 +0000

David, I understand what you are saying and I will watch my daughter from afar. Through my other children. I am not rejecting her. She does not want contact with me because I dissaprove of her lifestyle. I am not sorry for not lying to her. She has surrounded herself with people that “yes” her to death. I am her mother. I have the right and a duty to be honest with her. She is a very strong young woman and I am not worried that she will commit suicide. I refuse to accept any more guilt for this choice she has made. She knows how much I love her. I tell her all the time. She knows I will never give up on her. I just cannot be a part of this life she has CHOSEN. We all have choices to make and there are consequences for those choices. I believe my daughter is in a very destructive relationship. I think she has some self esteem issues and really needs professional help to deal with them. She is in denial. Not everything is as black and white as what we see posted here. I believe I will be the one that literally will die of a broken heart.
Should I try to make her feel badly that that could happen? I refuse to think about what may or may not happen and be guilted into pretending that what she is doing is OK. What is not OK anymore. It seems like anything goes now as long as you want to do it and it makes you feel good. Are ther any lines now?
I want you to understand that not everyone can accept this. I think many parents just go along with it because they don’t know what else to do. I am sad for her and for my family. It is a broken home now. Thanks to all of you for listening and commenting and just for someone to talk to. I really appreciate your time.

By: susie

susie — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 11:57:22 +0000

Susan, I hope that you are at least learning to cope. It has been 9 months and I have tried everything I can think of to feel better and at least try to accept. I realize now that it will never happen. i cannot give up all of my beliefs, values, all that I know that has made me me and the kind of person I have been. I have been afraid of speaking up to my own children on this topic but no more. I recently told my daughter I was a good mom, in fact I was a great mom. She has made her choice. i will accept it but I will never give up on her. I just need to let her go to live her life and pray and wish that she will be happy. I can’t look at someone so beautiful lead such a destructive life, so will we not have any contact at all. We just go around in circles and say things that hurt each other. I don’t ever want to hurt her, but that doesn’t mean I have to stand by and watch. i can’t do it. I thought I was a strong person all my life, but I realize now I cannot be strong enough to handle this. I need to get a grip so I can at least pretend to be alive for my husband and my other children. Pretending is hard. Whenever I am not with other people, I cry. Sometimes I don’t even know I’m crying. The tears just roll down my cheeks. I hope you are a stronger person than me. I hope you can make it work for you. This pain is unbearable and I do not want you or anyone else to feel like I feel.

By: Lynne

Lynne — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 05:14:27 +0000

I don’t think we are alone in our feelings.My only daughter informed me she had a girlfriend 4 months ago.I still don’t want to give up the dream I thought we both had of her getting married her having children it will never be…the only thing I know for sure is we can’t choose our childrens partners.I will not let this ruin my life…this is a choice to act on her feelings they are choices …just ask a nun.It has changed are relationship…for some time…I THOUGHT I had done something wrong…all the while it was her living her life and not being up front.The groups for gays tell them how not to come out to parents until they are ready…she told everyone before telling us her parents.All the people who it wouldn’t have the impact on who said they supported her.I accept that she says she feels this way..I will never hold a rainbow flag,I don’t know what the future will bring…but she is dear to my heart and probably went through her own hell and our relationship has forever changed.Try to set bounderies in your mind of what you will think about when you think of your daughter.Things you can’t change that bother you give to God and let all the positive things be remembered and cherished.You need not change your own beliefs just remember the choices she makes right or wrong are hers to make.We are not alone

By: David

David — Sat, 19 Apr 2008 23:56:33 +0000

Parents of gay kids who can’t accept them and cut them out of their lives I would encourage you to watch the movie “So The Bible Tells Me So”. And listen to the mother whos daughter commited suicide because of their mothers rejection talk about her experience and pain that she now carries because of at the time she could not accept her daughter and now its too late.

By: susan

susan — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 00:14:02 +0000

Like you Susie I have felt that I was alone in all of this. Feeling different from the way other parents can cope with this. Unfortunately my daughter came out to us a month ago and I dont think we will ever accept it.