Comments on: A stepmother wonders about her stepkids’ closeted mom. http://familieslikemine.com/2004/09/stepmother-outing-closeted-ex-wife/ Official Website for Abigail Garner's Book Fri, 21 Nov 2008 18:10:45 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.2.2 By: Danny http://familieslikemine.com/2004/09/stepmother-outing-closeted-ex-wife/#comment-153 Danny Wed, 29 Mar 2006 20:02:05 +0000 http://familieslikemine.com/2004/09/stepmother-outing-closeted-ex-wife/#comment-153 My brother was 13, I was 11 and my sister was 9 when my mother finally told us that our father was gay. They were divorced at the time and we use to visit our father on Tuesday evenings and weekends. It had been agreed that he would tell us when the time was appropriate, but I don't think he ever would. My father was a man ruled by fear. My mother had to tell us, because we already knew. Well at least my brother and sister did, I think that I was very much still in denial myself. My sister had found some lubricant and my brother knew what it was. A lad who knew about my dad was also bullying my brother, at school. This apparently went on for months without him telling a soul. It all came out though when my brother lost it one day and beat the lad so badly that he put him in hospital. My brother had at this point lost all respect for my father and it's safe to say that he pretty much hated him. We stopped seeing my father when the truth came out about him. My brother and sister hadn't wanted to see him for quite some time. I still did but didn't have what it took to stand up for what I wanted. Like my father I think that it's safe to safe that I am ruled by neurotic fear. My brother never saw my father. He recently changed his name, as he had the same one as my father. My sister saw him a few times some years later. I got to know my father again in my late teens and helped nurse him through the last couple of years of his life. I got to know him, as much as we could let each other. I grew up with a great deal of shame about my father s sexuality. Having said that it's safe to say that so did he. My stepfather certainly helped foster these feelings. I know that this has certainly helped create a lot of my own identity problems. It sounds to me that you care deeply about your stepchildren and that you are trying to ensure that they grew up as healthy well balanced individuals. I think that you do need to speak to their mother and suggest that she speaks to her children. I don't know how out she is and I'm sure that she's frightened of her children rejecting her. It doesn't sound like they will to me. Having said that if they lose respect for her, which may lead to them losing it for themselves, then this may well happen. They will not take her and her relationship seriously, if she doesn't do so herself. I wish you all the best Much love Danny My brother was 13, I was 11 and my sister was 9 when my mother finally told us that our father was gay. They were divorced at the time and we use to visit our father on Tuesday evenings and weekends. It had been agreed that he would tell us when the time was appropriate, but I don’t think he ever would. My father was a man ruled by fear. My mother had to tell us, because we already knew. Well at least my brother and sister did, I think that I was very much still in denial myself.

My sister had found some lubricant and my brother knew what it was. A lad who knew about my dad was also bullying my brother, at school. This apparently went on for months without him telling a soul. It all came out though when my brother lost it one day and beat the lad so badly that he put him in hospital. My brother had at this point lost all respect for my father and it’s safe to say that he pretty much hated him.

We stopped seeing my father when the truth came out about him. My brother and sister hadn’t wanted to see him for quite some time. I still did but didn’t have what it took to stand up for what I wanted. Like my father I think that it’s safe to safe that I am ruled by neurotic fear.

My brother never saw my father. He recently changed his name, as he had the same one as my father. My sister saw him a few times some years later. I got to know my father again in my late teens and helped nurse him through the last couple of years of his life. I got to know him, as much as we could let each other.

I grew up with a great deal of shame about my father s sexuality. Having said that it’s safe to say that so did he. My stepfather certainly helped foster these feelings. I know that this has certainly helped create a lot of my own identity problems.

It sounds to me that you care deeply about your stepchildren and that you are trying to ensure that they grew up as healthy well balanced individuals.

I think that you do need to speak to their mother and suggest that she speaks to her children. I don’t know how out she is and I’m sure that she’s frightened of her children rejecting her. It doesn’t sound like they will to me. Having said that if they lose respect for her, which may lead to them losing it for themselves, then this may well happen. They will not take her and her relationship seriously, if she doesn’t do so herself.

I wish you all the best

Much love
Danny

]]> By: Jill G. http://familieslikemine.com/2004/09/stepmother-outing-closeted-ex-wife/#comment-42 Jill G. Thu, 02 Sep 2004 17:46:19 +0000 http://familieslikemine.com/2004/09/stepmother-outing-closeted-ex-wife/#comment-42 Take it from me, the kids need and deserve to know the truth. I am speaking from experience. I hid my "roommate" and my relationship from my daughter for 8 years and it came back to bite me in the butt! You need to talk to your husband's ex-wife (assuming your relationship is good) and let her know she needs to tell them the truth. If I had been honest with my daughter from the beginning when she was 6 yrs old then she would have grown up accepting and understanding as it is now she has been influenced by the negatives she hears from the media, peers, etc. and it has hurt us all. I know the kids in your family don't have a problem with other people who are gay, and neither does my daughter, but as my daughter says "those people are not her mom". The old cliche is true, honesty is the best policy. Respectfully, Jill G. Take it from me, the kids need and deserve to know the truth. I am speaking from experience. I hid my “roommate” and my relationship from my daughter for 8 years and it came back to bite me in the butt!

You need to talk to your husband’s ex-wife (assuming your relationship is good) and let her know she needs to tell them the truth. If I had been honest with my daughter from the beginning when she was 6 yrs old then she would have grown up accepting and understanding as it is now she has been influenced by the negatives she hears from the media, peers, etc. and it has hurt us all. I know the kids in your family don’t have a problem with other people who are gay, and neither does my daughter, but as my daughter says “those people are not her mom”.

The old cliche is true, honesty is the best policy.

Respectfully,
Jill G.

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