Comments on: Her spouse was once a man, but now they look like a lesbian couple.

By: MmeG

MmeG — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 15:06:59 +0000

As a wife who is staying with her MtF spouse I can’t help but point out that the usual sexuality labels aren’t useful to people like us. I identified as hetero, but now that doesn’t fit. Neither does lesbian. I, myself, felt like I was in limbo until I took my attraction to her out of the realm of traditional labels. They didn’t fit our unusual relationship or my continued attraction to her. That provided the space for me to give it a name that more closely reflected all of those factors. She understands and accepts it because she knows and relishes that whatever label is stuck on it, my desire for her is still there.

By: Trans Spouse

Trans Spouse — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 04:21:01 +0000

I am married to a fabulous FTM man but I too found there was not enough support. I keep a blog diary and support people through messages and posts there. Feel free to read and post. I love to hear from and help other trans spouses.

By: gabe

gabe — Mon, 07 Sep 2009 22:00:31 +0000

I have read your comments and understand the pain you are going through because of your husband’s revelations of their true selves. And I can feel how you are left in the dark to suffer with their pain and having to piece your lives together.

Being transgendered myself, still married and in the closet I also understand what your SO have gone through.
We do not say “I have decided that I shall live as a woman so I can hurt you”‘. Most generally, one fights those feelings for years and decades before coming to the realization that fighting those feelings is pointless. Over time, it takes more and more mental energy to keep those feelings at bay that our psyche gets worn down completely. I needed to get to that point to see a therapist. I had never thought that I would lose control on my feelings but it happened; I wrongly assumed that because I was able to repress them in the past I would be successful in doing it forever. Well, it did not happen.

By: jackieme

jackieme — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 08:07:43 +0000

i also struggle with many of these issues as a partner of a m2f trans person. There are some online groups such as dependpartners (partners only) or the my husband betty community forum (for both trans people and partners) and helen boyd (author of mhb) has a partners only yahoo group. Hope this helps.

By: Dotti

Dotti — Sun, 30 Aug 2009 17:23:23 +0000

I sure do identify with you. I too lost my husband, on the day, actually that you wrote to this site. It is now September and I haven’t quit crying. He/she went on without so much as a hiccup, and here it is, my life is destroyed, and like you pointed out…I’ve no where to go…materials, readings, and support groups are all for the transgendered or their families. Being the spouse is completely different. It hits us sexually, gender wise, and personality as well. When David was himself he was a tobacco chewing, shit stomping, cowboy, that talked like he’d never been to school. Imagine how stunned I was to awake one day to he as Jessica, a regal woman with what sounded like a PhD????

I too, am sad and depressed.

dorothyntoto2@hughes.net

By: Kat

Kat — Tue, 27 Jan 2009 17:37:52 +0000

This is a painful thing for me. My spouse even wears a fake engagemenet ring. I hurt and ache for a male spouse. the more self actualized he has become, the more alone I have become. This issue isn’t just about how he presents to others but how he presents to me. I have lost my husband. I feel he is dead.

By the way, there is almost no support for the spouse left behind. I am sad and depressed.

By: NotSureWhatToDo

NotSureWhatToDo — Sat, 29 Nov 2008 19:28:51 +0000

I’m with you guys. My husband just told me (on Thanksgiving Day, of all times) that he wants to be a woman. He still wants to be with me and our kids (if I’m able to stick it out), but would pick being a woman over being with me. I’m sure if I tried to leave and take the kids (11, 8 and 2) I’d have a huge fight and that wouldn’t be fair to them.

I feel like no matter what decision I make, I’M going to be painted as “the bad guy” in this situation…after all, I would be the one “choosing” to leave the marriage.

I do love him, and can’t imagine our lives without him, but I’m just not sure if a woman/woman marriage is something I can live with.

By: MySpouseTransitionedAndAllIGotWasThisLousyBaggage

MySpouseTransitionedAndAllIGotWasThisLousyBaggage — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 22:17:00 +0000

I’m going to go out on a limb here. Don’t worry, this isn’t my real name. Winonastpierre@hotmail.com

I would love to hear from any and all of you who are dealing with or have dealt with a transgendered spouse.

By: Fool on the Hill

Fool on the Hill — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 15:07:12 +0000

Amen to all of you!

My spouse just came out to me a few days ago, so this is all pretty new to me. Been married for 29+ years, and this comes up NOW? I’m 58. What am I supposed to do now? Start over? Well, I’m sure I don’t have to tell any of you what’s been running through my head.

Having been online for as long as I have, I thought it would be a simple matter to get some helpful info, find a support group, locate a message board. I mean there’s a website for just about everything under the sun isn’t there?

But boy was I wrong! There’s literally nothing for “us.”

I’m all up for filling this void, but unsure of how to start. For the record, I used to design web sites, and know my way around a site control panel. But how do we contact each other without posting email addresses online? That’s usually a real bad move. Any ideas?

By: MySpouseTransitionedAndAllIGotWasThisLousyBaggage

MySpouseTransitionedAndAllIGotWasThisLousyBaggage — Sun, 28 Sep 2008 19:28:25 +0000

I, too was married to an FTM. You are so right Anonymous2, it is nearly impossible to find support for this situation. On the other hand, there’s a lot of support for the TG, and even support from the TG’s side that masquerades as support for the spouse, but really isn’t. For a while I felt like it was my DUTY to stay and take care of her even though NONE of my needs or wants were ever taken into consideration… and I’m not exaggerating here. It would be wonderful to have a couple of people with whom I can share these feelings with as I am trying to get rid of the dusty, old baggage, so to speak. I am finding that 6 years later, now that I am finally in a loving relationship, I have major issues about deception and betrayal that are leaving me scratching my head on numerous occasions. Can anyone out there relate? Am I just crazy? Would love to hear anyone’s thoughts or hear other stories. Maybe we should form a group, write a book, etc.