Comments on: Five-year-old curious about her sperm donor.

By: Liane Bennati

Liane Bennati — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 15:15:40 +0000

We have 3.5 yr old. triplets ( 2 boys, 1 girl) from a known donor, a close Uncle. They are asking ? regarding FATHER and DADDY because they just started school and they see other kids with Fathers.
We have not really acnknowledged the ? yet, and know that we are past due on doing it.
My brother is very OK with them calling him Father and even being present at Father DAY at school etc …
Need immediate advice on the conversation that is BEST for our kids developmentally and mentally the kids. HELP!!

By: Abigail Garner

Abigail Garner — Tue, 10 Apr 2007 16:40:30 +0000

This question was mentioned today at the end of a post at Mombian. Thanks, Dana! There might be additional comments on this issue left by Mombian readers on her site.

By: Anonymous

Anonymous — Wed, 29 Mar 2006 02:22:56 +0000

We have always been very honest with our children. We have a son, 9 and a daughter, 6. Both were conceived from the same donor sperm. We have used the correct terminology since birth. Words like insemination, sperm bank, adoption, lesbian, and gay should all be used like all other words. Our children are very comfortable with them and know what they mean! Our children know the difference between a “bank”, “blood bank” or “sperm bank”. Children are really smart and if told the truth in simple terms with the correct terminology they get it.

If they tell their friends that they have no Dad and that child persists in questioning what happened to him, your child should be comfortable enough with the “words” to tell them they had a donor, even at five! Children can even add that it is like someone donating blood or organs you don’t know who it is it was just a very kind, gracious and unselfish person who helped my mom get me.

By: Anonymous

Anonymous — Wed, 01 Jun 2005 19:24:04 +0000

Right now, our 8 year old’s understanding of her “father” is that he’s the “Donor Dad Dude.” And that we’re really grateful and appreciative toward him for wanting to help other people have a baby when maybe they couldn’t otherwise. She knows that he’s got a South American background, so she can thank him for her olive skin that doesn’t burn like our super-fair complexions (you have to take a stab at genetic engineering when you have the chance).

Giving kids information incrementally, and age-appropriately keeps their big questions answered, and as they get older, they can gradually have more details. In the mind of a child of 5, “not having a father,” could translate to dead. Or indicate some awful secret that isn’t actually there. Because it sounds like she already knows that she wasn’t quite a product of immaculate conception, no matter how sterile the surroundings.