Comments on: How can the daughter of a gay father move past secrets and isolation?

By: Amy

Amy — Wed, 24 Jan 2007 13:23:55 +0000

K, my heart is with you. Your story resonates with me–in my case it wasn’t that my dad was gay (he’s hetero and was married to my mother at the time), but that he was having an affair with another woman. He refused to see (and made it very difficult for me to see) how impossible a position this put me in vis-a-vis my mother.

He has no right to ask you to keep his secret. You have no obligation to keep it. I hope COLAGE and other support groups can help you.

By: R

Wed, 29 Mar 2006 01:40:45 +0000

Oh K my heart wraps around you on this one. I just outed myself to both my kids simultaneously, ages 10 & 12. There is no way on God’s green earth that I would have suffered giving a “secret” to the older one and leaving the younger grasping at straws in the dark. I had no support for this. My bi friends and the majority of my straight friends & even my gf thought it was psychologically tricky to tell them. Nope. It was the most liberating and straight forward thing I ever did.

Shame is like some acid that drips on the foundation of the house. the truth is like a power wash. find the heart to forgive your Dad his shame.

By: Hollie

Hollie — Wed, 29 Mar 2006 01:39:26 +0000

K -

Totally understand how you feel. My dad came out when I was 11, and while a few members of the extended family knew, NOBODY would talk about it. My brother (then 5 years old) was deemed “too young” to handle the news, and so he did not find out until years later. My mom went off of the deep edge for a while. I was totally alone.

I agree whole-heartily that secrets are toxic. Talk to a counselor, and talk to your dad. Explain to him how much you love him and that you understand he was just trying to protect you, but also how angry and hurt you are. It really helped me when I finally had a long heart-to-heart with my dad. I have also had several long talks with my brother as soon as he found out.

As to dating, I too kept finding myself in romantic muddles and not understanding why. I found Abigail’s book to be very insightful on that subject - even though I am straight, growing up the way I did I just didn’t have the same perceptions of male and female gender roles that my boyfriends possessed. That didn’t solve everything, of course, but it did explain a lot. It helped me to be more self-aware and to figure out what I want in a man, and thus avoid some of the more doomed relationships.

Finally, remember that you are not alone!! We queer spawn/fairy children are few and far between, but we are here. A good support network is key. For example, I purposefully moved to an area with a thriving gay/lesbian/trans-gender community living shoulder-top-shoulder with an open-minded straight community. It has made all of the difference in the world, because I feel safe and can talk freely about my family. If I can find such a community, you can too.