Comments on: How can the daughter of a gay father move past secrets and isolation?

By: Ju

Ju — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 18:41:15 +0000

K -
I was so touched to read this. I’ve just turned 18 and three years ago stumbled across hundreds of incriminating files on my dad’s computer. My parents have been married 30 years and my mum has no idea whatsoever and would be destroyed by the truth. I didn’t tell anyone apart from my close friends, and everytime I saw my father I filled with anger and venom. My brother and sister (who are in their late twenties) came across it a few years before I did but live across the other side of the country.

I was an extremely happy straight A student until this point and my rather strict parents punished me for suddenly falling behind at school, and becoming so cold when I was at home. This only drove me to become more angry and depressed, which made my grades drop further. I was going to become a doctor but didn’t get the grades I knew I could have. I have spent the past two years in a catch 22 which is just getting worse and worse and am in an absolute state of desperation.

About a month ago I broke down and told my dad I knew all about his little secret. He entirely denied it and then went on to tell me how I should be put into an “institution” because I was being ridiculous and hasn’t mentioned it since.

I have lost all respect for both my parents. When I am with my friends I am loud, happy and the life of the party however at home I can barely speak a sentence to my parents. I am constantly aware of the fact that I have to keep this secret and it is all-consuming.

I feel assured that there is are people out there who have some idea of the inner torment of keeping a secret.

By: Maureen

Maureen — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 05:19:09 +0000

K, this helped me soooo much. I am a mother of three children daughter 12, son 9 and son 7… their father and I divorced when I found out he was gay. He does not want to tell the children until he thinks they need to know and he is when he is ready to tell them he will do so ..”It’s not my Position to tell them” I understand him wanting to tell them but I want to be there so can see their reaction and help them. I am tired of secrets and without reading one book or blog up until tonight I instinctively know that everyone’s life will be easier once the truth be told. I know my children have probably figured it out and I know what it is like to be them… but I am an adult. Even though I still have some unresolved issues with everything I think it is so important for us to tell our children before someone else blurts it out to them. They love their father so much… I’m starting to deteriorate from the pit in my stomach of wanting to tell them so it is out and we can discuss everything. I truely believe that their father is afraid to come out of the closet . It is not about him anymore.. actually in my opinion the minute he said yes when I asked him if he was gay it should have been about everyone else in his family. My children need to know.

By: Amy

Amy — Wed, 24 Jan 2007 13:23:55 +0000

K, my heart is with you. Your story resonates with me–in my case it wasn’t that my dad was gay (he’s hetero and was married to my mother at the time), but that he was having an affair with another woman. He refused to see (and made it very difficult for me to see) how impossible a position this put me in vis-a-vis my mother.

He has no right to ask you to keep his secret. You have no obligation to keep it. I hope COLAGE and other support groups can help you.

By: R

Wed, 29 Mar 2006 01:40:45 +0000

Oh K my heart wraps around you on this one. I just outed myself to both my kids simultaneously, ages 10 & 12. There is no way on God’s green earth that I would have suffered giving a “secret” to the older one and leaving the younger grasping at straws in the dark. I had no support for this. My bi friends and the majority of my straight friends & even my gf thought it was psychologically tricky to tell them. Nope. It was the most liberating and straight forward thing I ever did.

Shame is like some acid that drips on the foundation of the house. the truth is like a power wash. find the heart to forgive your Dad his shame.

By: Hollie

Hollie — Wed, 29 Mar 2006 01:39:26 +0000

K -

Totally understand how you feel. My dad came out when I was 11, and while a few members of the extended family knew, NOBODY would talk about it. My brother (then 5 years old) was deemed “too young” to handle the news, and so he did not find out until years later. My mom went off of the deep edge for a while. I was totally alone.

I agree whole-heartily that secrets are toxic. Talk to a counselor, and talk to your dad. Explain to him how much you love him and that you understand he was just trying to protect you, but also how angry and hurt you are. It really helped me when I finally had a long heart-to-heart with my dad. I have also had several long talks with my brother as soon as he found out.

As to dating, I too kept finding myself in romantic muddles and not understanding why. I found Abigail’s book to be very insightful on that subject – even though I am straight, growing up the way I did I just didn’t have the same perceptions of male and female gender roles that my boyfriends possessed. That didn’t solve everything, of course, but it did explain a lot. It helped me to be more self-aware and to figure out what I want in a man, and thus avoid some of the more doomed relationships.

Finally, remember that you are not alone!! We queer spawn/fairy children are few and far between, but we are here. A good support network is key. For example, I purposefully moved to an area with a thriving gay/lesbian/trans-gender community living shoulder-top-shoulder with an open-minded straight community. It has made all of the difference in the world, because I feel safe and can talk freely about my family. If I can find such a community, you can too.