Comments on: Children resist lesbian mothers’ urge to merge. http://familieslikemine.com/2006/02/children-resist-mothers-urge-to-merge/ Official Website for Abigail Garner's Book Fri, 25 Jul 2008 10:19:59 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.2.2 By: bonniejean http://familieslikemine.com/2006/02/children-resist-mothers-urge-to-merge/#comment-2239 bonniejean Tue, 18 Dec 2007 11:22:13 +0000 http://familieslikemine.com/2006/02/children-resist-mothers-urge-to-merge/#comment-2239 I am not a lesbian but I do feel the greatest sympathy for your situation. Unfortunetly until such times as sociaty fully accepts homosexuality your children will pay the price for your 'lifestyle' You get to choose how you live do but your children have no say. They do and will get teased etc etc. It is not an easy road for them. In some ways you are the trailblazers as were the first black and white couples who dared to love each other openly. Their children also suffered as they were not accepted by either blacks or whites. Times will eventually change. I can only wish you all well, I am not a lesbian but I do feel the greatest sympathy for your situation. Unfortunetly until such times as sociaty fully accepts homosexuality your children will pay the price for your ‘lifestyle’ You get to choose how you live do but your children have no say. They do and will get teased etc etc. It is not an easy road for them. In some ways you are the trailblazers as were the first black and white couples who dared to love each other openly. Their children also suffered as they were not accepted by either blacks or whites. Times will eventually change. I can only wish you all well,

]]> By: Kerry http://familieslikemine.com/2006/02/children-resist-mothers-urge-to-merge/#comment-1473 Kerry Wed, 10 Jan 2007 03:52:33 +0000 http://familieslikemine.com/2006/02/children-resist-mothers-urge-to-merge/#comment-1473 Update: My partner's father passed away on 1-09-2007 at 12:13 a.m. I am happy to report that I was with her when her father took his last breath, but I was made to feel like a total outcast and I have been warned by ALL her family members that I am not welcomed at any of the services. Where do I go from here? I am at such a loss as to what to do!!! I want to support her but yet I am not in any shape to cause havoc or be yelled and screamed at. I am so devestated by all this. Even her daughter whom we have raised for the past 2 years insists that I not be there and that I am NOT FAMILY!!! The pain I am feeling is overwhelming! I have done everything to make her children feel welcomed into my family. It's ok for them to do things with my family, example: celebrate Christmas, celebrate New Years Eve, Birthdays, trips, you name it they are welcomed with open arms! But have me included in her family is a huge NO-NO! What do I do? Where do I go from here? Any advice would be wonderful! God Bless and May Everyone out there enjoy life to it's fullest...it ends way to soon!!!! Kerry Update:

My partner’s father passed away on 1-09-2007 at 12:13 a.m. I am happy to report that I was with her when her father took his last breath, but I was made to feel like a total outcast and I have been warned by ALL her family members that I am not welcomed at any of the services. Where do I go from here? I am at such a loss as to what to do!!! I want to support her but yet I am not in any shape to cause havoc or be yelled and screamed at. I am so devestated by all this. Even her daughter whom we have raised for the past 2 years insists that I not be there and that I am NOT FAMILY!!! The pain I am feeling is overwhelming! I have done everything to make her children feel welcomed into my family. It’s ok for them to do things with my family, example: celebrate Christmas, celebrate New Years Eve, Birthdays, trips, you name it they are welcomed with open arms! But have me included in her family is a huge NO-NO! What do I do? Where do I go from here? Any advice would be wonderful!

God Bless and May Everyone out there enjoy life to it’s fullest…it ends way to soon!!!!

Kerry

]]> By: Kerry http://familieslikemine.com/2006/02/children-resist-mothers-urge-to-merge/#comment-1466 Kerry Mon, 08 Jan 2007 22:29:58 +0000 http://familieslikemine.com/2006/02/children-resist-mothers-urge-to-merge/#comment-1466 Hello Again!!!! I'm in need of some advice! Here is what is happening in our Happy Home- My partner's father is dying of terminal cancer and has less than a week to live, he has been in the hospital since before Christmas. The problem that is causing much stress and heartache is that her family does not accept our relationship. Her parents are friendly to me in person, but does not accept us at all. Her two oldest boys are down right nasty and vindictive, even in front of hospital staff. I support my partner's desire to be there at the hospital every chance she can get. The only time I visit her father is when no one else is there because I do not want to start WW3 in front of everyone, and believe me her boys and ex-husband (who is more welcomed than I am or even my partner is) would start a huge scene, which they already have. The hospital called everyone for a final prayer last week and when my partner showed up to be with her father, her two oldest boys yelled and screamed saying: "Why are you here- this is for family and you are no longer family." Mind you this is a polite way to say what was really said! Not one person stood up for my partner or made her feel like she was family, instead she was the outcast. I felt so sorry for her, I couldn't believe that not one family member told these boys, "This is your mother and what ever choices she has made she is still and will always be your mother!" Instead they all went and supported the two boys and the ex-husband. How do we deal with this? How do we deal with the fact that soon there will be a 3 day ordeal of saying goodbye to her father and I can't stand by and support her and be proud of her. I'm at a loss as to what to do, do I show up at the funeral and take the dirty looks and comments or do I support my partner in my own way and be there for her when she returns home. I looked up to her father and it's killing me knowing I can't be there to say goodbye. I am a very loving person and Thank God I came from a family that truly knows "UNCONDITIONAL LOVE!!!" I can't be around stressful situations and definitly do not want to be around NEGATIVE PEOPLE!!! If anyone out there can comment or give advice, I would really appreciate it!! Thank You! Hello Again!!!! I’m in need of some advice! Here is what is happening in our Happy Home- My partner’s father is dying of terminal cancer and has less than a week to live, he has been in the hospital since before Christmas. The problem that is causing much stress and heartache is that her family does not accept our relationship. Her parents are friendly to me in person, but does not accept us at all. Her two oldest boys are down right nasty and vindictive, even in front of hospital staff. I support my partner’s desire to be there at the hospital every chance she can get. The only time I visit her father is when no one else is there because I do not want to start WW3 in front of everyone, and believe me her boys and ex-husband (who is more welcomed than I am or even my partner is) would start a huge scene, which they already have.

The hospital called everyone for a final prayer last week and when my partner showed up to be with her father, her two oldest boys yelled and screamed saying: “Why are you here- this is for family and you are no longer family.” Mind you this is a polite way to say what was really said!

Not one person stood up for my partner or made her feel like she was family, instead she was the outcast. I felt so sorry for her, I couldn’t believe that not one family member told these boys, “This is your mother and what ever choices she has made she is still and will always be your mother!” Instead they all went and supported the two boys and the ex-husband. How do we deal with this? How do we deal with the fact that soon there will be a 3 day ordeal of saying goodbye to her father and I can’t stand by and support her and be proud of her. I’m at a loss as to what to do, do I show up at the funeral and take the dirty looks and comments or do I support my partner in my own way and be there for her when she returns home. I looked up to her father and it’s killing me knowing I can’t be there to say goodbye. I am a very loving person and Thank God I came from a family that truly knows “UNCONDITIONAL LOVE!!!” I can’t be around stressful situations and definitly do not want to be around NEGATIVE PEOPLE!!! If anyone out there can comment or give advice, I would really appreciate it!!
Thank You!

]]> By: Kerry http://familieslikemine.com/2006/02/children-resist-mothers-urge-to-merge/#comment-1326 Kerry Mon, 18 Dec 2006 14:57:16 +0000 http://familieslikemine.com/2006/02/children-resist-mothers-urge-to-merge/#comment-1326 Hi Roni, I just read your response dated November 29 and feel that I must reply. I don't think you are being silly at all! There is a time when the "Ex's" should be included but not to every "event". How confusing that must be for her children! Here you are trying to start a new life, new relationship, new family, how are you supposed to do that when the former spouse is involved. Your partner needs to let go a little and realize that she is hurting the kids and your relationship. I can see the former spouse being involved in major issues such as weddings and illness,etc. but not every event! How are the children going to accept your new relationship and respect you when the former spouse is involved in so much. Yes, I feel the father should be involved in the children's lives as much as possible but on a separate level. If I may ask one question: Is he involved in a relationship? If so, how does his new "significant other" feel about the situation? I'm sure she is not very happy either! Or, if he is not involved in a relationship maybe they do it because they feel sorry for him and want to include him in, but in the long run it is only going to hurt him and your relationship with your partner, and hurt the kids. You need to let your partner know that "letting go" is the best answer so you can all move on. Just my thoughts. Take Care and God Bless! Kerry Hi Roni,
I just read your response dated November 29 and feel that I must reply. I don’t think you are being silly at all! There is a time when the “Ex’s” should be included but not to every “event”. How confusing that must be for her children! Here you are trying to start a new life, new relationship, new family, how are you supposed to do that when the former spouse is involved. Your partner needs to let go a little and realize that she is hurting the kids and your relationship. I can see the former spouse being involved in major issues such as weddings and illness,etc. but not every event! How are the children going to accept your new relationship and respect you when the former spouse is involved in so much. Yes, I feel the father should be involved in the children’s lives as much as possible but on a separate level.

If I may ask one question: Is he involved in a relationship? If so, how does his new “significant other” feel about the situation? I’m sure she is not very happy either! Or, if he is not involved in a relationship maybe they do it because they feel sorry for him and want to include him in, but in the long run it is only going to hurt him and your relationship with your partner, and hurt the kids. You need to let your partner know that “letting go” is the best answer so you can all move on. Just my thoughts. Take Care and God Bless! Kerry

]]> By: RONI KUGLER http://familieslikemine.com/2006/02/children-resist-mothers-urge-to-merge/#comment-1110 RONI KUGLER Wed, 29 Nov 2006 06:27:38 +0000 http://familieslikemine.com/2006/02/children-resist-mothers-urge-to-merge/#comment-1110 I am a 57-year-old lesbian and my partner is 65. I have one son, a daughter-in-law and a 3-1/2-year-old grandson. I only see my ex-husband at birthday parties for our grandson. We still like each other and are very friendly when we see each other. But we don't take on the "couple" role. My partner, on the other hand, has two kids (now in their 30s)with her ex. The ex is invited and expected to join in on all birthdays and holidays. He not only splits the meal, but they also give gifts to their children as a couple. If my partner needs something opened or served, and I'm not available at the moment, she will give Joel a chore list. Anyone who doesn't know us would assume that Joel and my partner are a couple. I don't like this, so "I'm the problem." I do understand there will be times that we all we have to be around each and play nicely, but my partner wants to include her ex in every family thing we do. Thay act in every way a couple -- emotionally, psychologically, and with family, they are partners except they live in different houses and they don't have sex. I have expressed my feelings and was told I'm being silly. I need some perspective. I am a 57-year-old lesbian and my partner is 65. I have one son, a daughter-in-law and a 3-1/2-year-old grandson. I only see my ex-husband at birthday parties for our grandson. We still like each other and are very friendly when we see each other. But we don’t take on the “couple” role.

My partner, on the other hand, has two kids (now in their 30s)with her ex. The ex is invited and expected to join in on all birthdays and holidays. He not only splits the meal, but they also give gifts to their children as a couple. If my partner needs something opened or served, and I’m not available at the moment, she will give Joel a chore list. Anyone who doesn’t know us would assume that Joel and my partner are a couple.

I don’t like this, so “I’m the problem.” I do understand there will be times that we all we have to be around each and play nicely, but my partner wants to include her ex in every family thing we do. Thay act in every way a couple — emotionally, psychologically, and with family, they are partners except they live in different houses and they don’t have sex.

I have expressed my feelings and was told I’m being silly. I need some perspective.

]]> By: Kerry (Question Asker) http://familieslikemine.com/2006/02/children-resist-mothers-urge-to-merge/#comment-1061 Kerry (Question Asker) Sun, 26 Nov 2006 00:46:05 +0000 http://familieslikemine.com/2006/02/children-resist-mothers-urge-to-merge/#comment-1061 HOW ABOUT AN UPDATE------ Since my first and second post to Abigail I would like to update everyone on our progress and maybe someone out there can help us with some new issues that have arrived. For starters...we have been in our home for almost 10 months and are getting ready for our First Christmas in our new home with our new lives and new families!!! It's been quite an adventure to say the least!! You have the typical disagreements that any blended family would have or any family would have. Our children have become very close with each other and look out for each other, which is a wonderful site to see!! Our children now call each other brother and sister when ever they are introduced to anyone new. My children call my partner various names such as Mom #2 or just Mom, and have no problems asking for her help or advice! Her children are coming along but they still have the "outside" influences that come between our relationship. They have a hard time warming up to me and that's because of what they hear at their father's home. Their father and brothers and the majority of my partners family are very negative when it comes to our relationship and I am sad to say that it will always be that way. We are no longer invited to family functions, instead her ex is invited, which is so hard to see. My partner is falling apart because of this, but I refuse to let it come between us! We are strong and Love will conquer! We are like any typical parents trying to raise 4 teenagers in this day and age (which I'm sure you all can agree that's not an easy task to do!) but then add on that we are gay, two Moms trying to do their best to keep the house up and keep things normal for our kids, and dealing with health issues ( I have MS and have been on disability for 8 years.) So anyone out there that doesn't think they can handle "Coming Out" believe me that was the easiest thing to do!!!! In a nut shell- we are doing very well, the kids are adjusting, My family supports our relationship and have welcomed my partner and her children with OPEN arms! They are included in every event and given as many hugs and kisses as if they are one of us!! My partner's ex is still as homophobic as before and still makes horrible comments and tries to keep her kids away from us but it's not working and he is losing control! We still have no contact with her two oldest children but I have faith that in time they will see that we haven't changed and we will welcome them into our new family with open arms! Now my question for anyone out there-- How do we deal with her former spouse? Her family? and the fact they continue to make comments in front of the two youngest children. Every time they go back to their father's and then come back to us it's like we have to start all over again!!! The stress is getting out of hand! We love each other very much and will keep fighting and keep trying to prove that we are NORMAL!!! I promise to keep updating and maybe when things settle I'll start my own web page for a support group for families like us!! God Bless and take care!!! HOW ABOUT AN UPDATE——

Since my first and second post to Abigail I would like to update everyone on our progress and maybe someone out there can help us with some new issues that have arrived. For starters…we have been in our home for almost 10 months and are getting ready for our First Christmas in our new home with our new lives and new families!!!

It’s been quite an adventure to say the least!! You have the typical disagreements that any blended family would have or any family would have. Our children have become very close with each other and look out for each other, which is a wonderful site to see!! Our children now call each other brother and sister when ever they are introduced to anyone new. My children call my partner various names such as Mom #2 or just Mom, and have no problems asking for her help or advice!

Her children are coming along but they still have the “outside” influences that come between our relationship. They have a hard time warming up to me and that’s because of what they hear at their father’s home. Their father and brothers and the majority of my partners family are very negative when it comes to our relationship and I am sad to say that it will always be that way.

We are no longer invited to family functions, instead her ex is invited, which is so hard to see. My partner is falling apart because of this, but I refuse to let it come between us! We are strong and Love will conquer! We are like any typical parents trying to raise 4 teenagers in this day and age (which I’m sure you all can agree that’s not an easy task to do!) but then add on that we are gay, two Moms trying to do their best to keep the house up and keep things normal for our kids, and dealing with health issues ( I have MS and have been on disability for 8 years.)

So anyone out there that doesn’t think they can handle “Coming Out” believe me that was the easiest thing to do!!!! In a nut shell- we are doing very well, the kids are adjusting, My family supports our relationship and have welcomed my partner and her children with OPEN arms! They are included in every event and given as many hugs and kisses as if they are one of us!! My partner’s ex is still as homophobic as before and still makes horrible comments and tries to keep her kids away from us but it’s not working and he is losing control! We still have no contact with her two oldest children but I have faith that in time they will see that we haven’t changed and we will welcome them into our new family with open arms!

Now my question for anyone out there– How do we deal with her former spouse? Her family? and the fact they continue to make comments in front of the two youngest children. Every time they go back to their father’s and then come back to us it’s like we have to start all over again!!! The stress is getting out of hand! We love each other very much and will keep fighting and keep trying to prove that we are NORMAL!!! I promise to keep updating and maybe when things settle I’ll start my own web page for a support group for families like us!! God Bless and take care!!!

]]> By: tas http://familieslikemine.com/2006/02/children-resist-mothers-urge-to-merge/#comment-235 tas Thu, 01 Jun 2006 16:08:28 +0000 http://familieslikemine.com/2006/02/children-resist-mothers-urge-to-merge/#comment-235 Great thread, especially the post from the original Question Asker, responding to Abigail's questions and advice. I'm a gay dad with two teenage sons (16, 13). I came out to my sons and their mom four years ago, at which time their mom and I separated. She and I are now divorced. I am in a new relationship with a man, and getting ready to introduce him to my sons. Long story short, I'd love to hear how Question Asker and her family are faring three months later. Keep us posted? Thanks. Great thread, especially the post from the original Question Asker, responding to Abigail’s questions and advice.

I’m a gay dad with two teenage sons (16, 13). I came out to my sons and their mom four years ago, at which time their mom and I separated. She and I are now divorced. I am in a new relationship with a man, and getting ready to introduce him to my sons.

Long story short, I’d love to hear how Question Asker and her family are faring three months later. Keep us posted? Thanks.

]]> By: The Question Asker http://familieslikemine.com/2006/02/children-resist-mothers-urge-to-merge/#comment-6 The Question Asker Wed, 29 Mar 2006 01:02:46 +0000 http://familieslikemine.com/2006/02/children-resist-mothers-urge-to-merge/#comment-6 Thank You so much for giving us insight!!!! I was so delighted to read my "Story" on your web site!! I should have better explained one thing though...My partner and I have been together for well over 2 years., It is only within the last 8 months that we have been in separate apartments (which is dragging all of us down!) You mention in your response whether the kids call each other brother and sister...and in fact they do! Since I wrote this article our kids have been very involved in planning for the new house. We have gone bedroom shopping, house ware's shopping, and have had a great time!! Our youngest (both boys) are so excited to be sharing a room and bunk beds!!! The comments have lessened and they are coming around! As a matter of fact my partners daughter wants to move in with us permanently and the question about sharing a room has lessened. Although I regret to say that my partners ex-husband is still the same as well as her older sons. We have been threatened that we will return to court because he refuses to allow his children to grow up in such an evil home!! We pray everyday that they will join us in time! I can definitely say that the two youngest are coming around because they don't like the "home" environment that they have to endure with their father and brothers. Thank You again for your insight!!! Thank You so much for giving us insight!!!! I was so delighted to read my “Story” on your web site!! I should have better explained one thing though…My partner and I have been together for well over 2 years., It is only within the last 8 months that we have been in separate apartments (which is dragging all of us down!) You mention in your response whether the kids call each other brother and sister…and in fact they do!

Since I wrote this article our kids have been very involved in planning for the new house. We have gone bedroom shopping, house ware’s shopping, and have had a great time!! Our youngest (both boys) are so excited to be sharing a room and bunk beds!!! The comments have lessened and they are coming around! As a matter of fact my partners daughter wants to move in with us permanently and the question about sharing a room has lessened.

Although I regret to say that my partners ex-husband is still the same as well as her older sons. We have been threatened that we will return to court because he refuses to allow his children to grow up in such an evil home!! We pray everyday that they will join us in time! I can definitely say that the two youngest are coming around because they don’t like the “home” environment that they have to endure with their father and brothers. Thank You again for your insight!!!

]]> By: Lenore http://familieslikemine.com/2006/02/children-resist-mothers-urge-to-merge/#comment-5 Lenore Wed, 29 Mar 2006 01:01:03 +0000 http://familieslikemine.com/2006/02/children-resist-mothers-urge-to-merge/#comment-5 This is a powerful, carefully thought out response. You covered many details and are so very respectful of what children need and want from their parents. I'm not sure it is ever possible to over-clarify what people need, want and hope for from each other. This is a powerful, carefully thought out response. You covered many details and are so very respectful of what children need and want from their parents. I’m not sure it is ever possible to over-clarify what people need, want and hope for from each other.

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