Comments on: Her father’s sexual orientation is the “elephant in the livingroom.” http://familieslikemine.com/2006/05/gay-dad-straight-mom/ Official Website for Abigail Garner's Book Fri, 25 Jul 2008 10:13:25 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.2.2 By: ct http://familieslikemine.com/2006/05/gay-dad-straight-mom/#comment-3293 ct Fri, 20 Jun 2008 01:54:44 +0000 http://familieslikemine.com/2006/05/gay-dad-straight-mom/#comment-3293 Just another note......don't put yourself in a situation where you become the person "hiding the secret".....this is not your place. If, like my father, the truth is that he has chosen to live a gay life openly in front of my mother and the world.....I choose to live in the real world and speak in truth and love. By talking openly that you mom or dad is gay is not a bad thing; it is more factual. Feeling like you have to harbor something will only eat you up in side and hurt you more....set yourself free from that bondage...it's not yours, let it go. Just another note……don’t put yourself in a situation where you become the person “hiding the secret”…..this is not your place. If, like my father, the truth is that he has chosen to live a gay life openly in front of my mother and the world…..I choose to live in the real world and speak in truth and love. By talking openly that you mom or dad is gay is not a bad thing; it is more factual. Feeling like you have to harbor something will only eat you up in side and hurt you more….set yourself free from that bondage…it’s not yours, let it go.

]]> By: ct http://familieslikemine.com/2006/05/gay-dad-straight-mom/#comment-3292 ct Fri, 20 Jun 2008 01:48:39 +0000 http://familieslikemine.com/2006/05/gay-dad-straight-mom/#comment-3292 I can relate totally. My new wife and I came back to run the family business a number of years ago. I was never that close with my mother or father growing up. Always felt a a strange distance from them and a strange stress I couldn't put my finger on. Well, one day in the office, it became apparent that my father had just come back from a trip(business trip) which was really a trip with his lover (male) and was showing the pic's in the office......he must've felt we were so stupid we couldn't see what was going on, or wanted to be caught. Well, it all came out and shocked the entire family. My mother who came across as shocked, I think really knew the truth whole time but they had cut some type of deal and now she was helping influence his outing because she was pissed at him about this new lover whom he actually cared about. It was a terrible time. My sisters marriage exploded under the pressure and mine took a beating that I am not sure we've ever recovered from. EAch and everyday my parents would air their dirty laundry to us and then my father would say he was going to start living with his lover but did not want a divorce from my mother. My mom said she'd leave him and things began to get better and she was going to church and finding strength; but as soon as she was getting on her feet; my dad swooped in and said he couldn't live without her but wanted to have his cake and eat it to. Well, they decided to continue their marriage and my mom has allowed my dad to continue to travel weekly and meet up with his lover or lovers as he pleases. My father dumped all is sexual stuff on my sister; which I felt was completely out of line and destructive and she is anorexic and has started cutting herself as well.....not a good situation. Their relationship is so toxic, my wife and I consider ourselves born again christians and they have done everything in their power to defame my wife for no reason that we can understand. Have made up lies and talk behind our backs. Neither I nor my wife judged my mom or dad in this, we were supportive, but they bring a toxic brew everywhere they go; the tension and stress is unbearable. I think they're OK with it since my dad travels and is gone about 6 out of every 7 days so they are only together a handful of days per month and even then my mother complains and so does my dad. But, they have both clearly decided to stay married and act as if all is OK and on they march......it is tough. I can relate totally. My new wife and I came back to run the family business a number of years ago. I was never that close with my mother or father growing up. Always felt a a strange distance from them and a strange stress I couldn’t put my finger on. Well, one day in the office, it became apparent that my father had just come back from a trip(business trip) which was really a trip with his lover (male) and was showing the pic’s in the office……he must’ve felt we were so stupid we couldn’t see what was going on, or wanted to be caught.
Well, it all came out and shocked the entire family. My mother who came across as shocked, I think really knew the truth whole time but they had cut some type of deal and now she was helping influence his outing because she was pissed at him about this new lover whom he actually cared about. It was a terrible time. My sisters marriage exploded under the pressure and mine took a beating that I am not sure we’ve ever recovered from. EAch and everyday my parents would air their dirty laundry to us and then my father would say he was going to start living with his lover but did not want a divorce from my mother. My mom said she’d leave him and things began to get better and she was going to church and finding strength; but as soon as she was getting on her feet; my dad swooped in and said he couldn’t live without her but wanted to have his cake and eat it to. Well, they decided to continue their marriage and my mom has allowed my dad to continue to travel weekly and meet up with his lover or lovers as he pleases. My father dumped all is sexual stuff on my sister; which I felt was completely out of line and destructive and she is anorexic and has started cutting herself as well…..not a good situation. Their relationship is so toxic, my wife and I consider ourselves born again christians and they have done everything in their power to defame my wife for no reason that we can understand. Have made up lies and talk behind our backs. Neither I nor my wife judged my mom or dad in this, we were supportive, but they bring a toxic brew everywhere they go; the tension and stress is unbearable. I think they’re OK with it since my dad travels and is gone about 6 out of every 7 days so they are only together a handful of days per month and even then my mother complains and so does my dad. But, they have both clearly decided to stay married and act as if all is OK and on they march……it is tough.

]]> By: amelia http://familieslikemine.com/2006/05/gay-dad-straight-mom/#comment-3073 amelia Wed, 23 Apr 2008 14:13:39 +0000 http://familieslikemine.com/2006/05/gay-dad-straight-mom/#comment-3073 Dear Abigail, I have to make the short story long: for years, my father has been an alchoholic, and as a result-frequently absent form home at night, sice he had been drinking with his buddies. A few months ago, he did have quite an embarrassing episode while being drunk, which became a turning point and he abruptly stopped drinking. He began staying at home every night, and to my and my mom's surprise, he managed to stay sober without any kind of crisis. A bliss, isn't it? Staying home also means that an elderly man can discover the internet in all it's glory, and that he can spend nights surfing porn, instead of drinking. I accidentally found that out, and to my surprise, saw that it was gay porn he was watching. So, what does one do in a situation like this? Generally, I should be happy he is living a healthy life, not drinking. But, instead, I feel weird. Not because of the fact he is gay, but because he is a stated homophobic who has been keeping a huge secret for many many years. Do I talk to him about it? What do I say? That I've been spying on his net actions for months? That it's ok, and that I won't tell my mom? And, do I tell my mom? So far I haven't shared this with anyone except my bf, who thinks that I'm crazy for keeping this a secret and not confronting dad with it. Still, I don't know what to do, who to talk to and what to say...especially 'cause I don't want to chase my father away and back to the bottle. Advice anyone? Dear Abigail,
I have to make the short story long: for years, my father has been an alchoholic, and as a result-frequently absent form home at night, sice he had been drinking with his buddies. A few months ago, he did have quite an embarrassing episode while being drunk, which became a turning point and he abruptly stopped drinking. He began staying at home every night, and to my and my mom’s surprise, he managed to stay sober without any kind of crisis. A bliss, isn’t it?

Staying home also means that an elderly man can discover the internet in all it’s glory, and that he can spend nights surfing porn, instead of drinking. I accidentally found that out, and to my surprise, saw that it was gay porn he was watching.

So, what does one do in a situation like this? Generally, I should be happy he is living a healthy life, not drinking. But, instead, I feel weird. Not because of the fact he is gay, but because he is a stated homophobic who has been keeping a huge secret for many many years. Do I talk to him about it? What do I say? That I’ve been spying on his net actions for months? That it’s ok, and that I won’t tell my mom? And, do I tell my mom? So far I haven’t shared this with anyone except my bf, who thinks that I’m crazy for keeping this a secret and not confronting dad with it.

Still, I don’t know what to do, who to talk to and what to say…especially ’cause I don’t want to chase my father away and back to the bottle. Advice anyone?

]]> By: A.S http://familieslikemine.com/2006/05/gay-dad-straight-mom/#comment-2548 A.S Fri, 08 Feb 2008 03:06:33 +0000 http://familieslikemine.com/2006/05/gay-dad-straight-mom/#comment-2548 Dear Abigail, I am only 11 and i found out my dad was gay a couple weeks ago.. I need help with all this very much.. He has had this seacret for over 27 years and he just told me last week. I am mad that he diddnt tell me sooner but i understand why he diddnt.. Dear Abigail,
I am only 11 and i found out my dad was gay a couple weeks ago..
I need help with all this very much..
He has had this seacret for over 27 years and he just told me last week.
I am mad that he diddnt tell me sooner but i understand why he diddnt..

]]> By: sarah http://familieslikemine.com/2006/05/gay-dad-straight-mom/#comment-2421 sarah Wed, 23 Jan 2008 00:18:06 +0000 http://familieslikemine.com/2006/05/gay-dad-straight-mom/#comment-2421 Hello out there! My father is gay. I've known this for more than three years and it didn't change anything between us, but recently I've noticed I'm not as easy about the subject as I thought I was. I am 23 years old and consider myself a well-educated, tolerant person with no prejudicies against homosexuals. But nevertheless I am not able to talk about my father's sexuality. I can't explain what the problem is, but I definitely have some kind of problem admitting my father is gay. My parents now are divorced and my father has his first stable relationship with a man after having many one night stands with men he contacted through the internet. I really like that man, too, but still it makes me feel awkward and I don't know how to talk about the issue with friends, I don't know what to answer when they ask me if my father has got a new girlfriend. I just can't figure out how to introduce the subject, although on the other hand I'd really wish everyone knew about it, so I wouldn't have to tell them. I would just like to know from some of you how they actually went ahead. Is it really necessary for us to inform our friends? I actually feel like my gay father makes me having to "come out" in front of friends and colleagues . And another point is that I haven't spoken to my brothers about this. We only commented on my father'S partner, saying we all liked him, but I don't know how to talk to them, they seem to take things far easier as me although they're only 12 and 14 years old. It makes me feel so bad having these difficulties in accepting my father being gay. I mean, I accept he's gay, but I'd prefer not to talk about it... That's crazy, isn't it? Hello out there!
My father is gay. I’ve known this for more than three years and it didn’t change anything between us, but recently I’ve noticed I’m not as easy about the subject as I thought I was. I am 23 years old and consider myself a well-educated, tolerant person with no prejudicies against homosexuals. But nevertheless I am not able to talk about my father’s sexuality. I can’t explain what the problem is, but I definitely have some kind of problem admitting my father is gay. My parents now are divorced and my father has his first stable relationship with a man after having many one night stands with men he contacted through the internet. I really like that man, too, but still it makes me feel awkward and I don’t know how to talk about the issue with friends, I don’t know what to answer when they ask me if my father has got a new girlfriend. I just can’t figure out how to introduce the subject, although on the other hand I’d really wish everyone knew about it, so I wouldn’t have to tell them. I would just like to know from some of you how they actually went ahead. Is it really necessary for us to inform our friends? I actually feel like my gay father makes me having to “come out” in front of friends and colleagues . And another point is that I haven’t spoken to my brothers about this. We only commented on my father’S partner, saying we all liked him, but I don’t know how to talk to them, they seem to take things far easier as me although they’re only 12 and 14 years old. It makes me feel so bad having these difficulties in accepting my father being gay. I mean, I accept he’s gay, but I’d prefer not to talk about it… That’s crazy, isn’t it?

]]> By: Ali http://familieslikemine.com/2006/05/gay-dad-straight-mom/#comment-2342 Ali Fri, 11 Jan 2008 21:51:11 +0000 http://familieslikemine.com/2006/05/gay-dad-straight-mom/#comment-2342 my husband has just told me he is bisexual and has moved out for some thinking space. Speaking to him i hold no hope for our relationship anymore as i can sense that his gay desires are winning through! The problem with all this is that we have been married almost 13 years, together for 16 and have two children of 8 and 11! He has told me that he always knew that he was bisexual from his teens but has never been with a man and now he cant get the feelings out of his mind! So why oh why did he not tell me this important piece of information before we actually got together. I thought I was marrying my soulmate, lover and best friend - we both declared that we wanted to spend our lives together. Now I am faced with so much uncertainty. Whilst I am waiting for him to make his decision, I cant eat or sleep and am so worried that if he does decide to go and explore that side of his sexuality, I am the one left to pick up the pieces with the kids. I know that we will have to tell them one day before they find out from someone else but what do you say? How do you tell a child that the daddy she adores is now gay? I know it is not a disease and I have gay and lesbian friends - do not know anyone apart from my husband who is bisexual. I have always regarded bisexual people as quite selfish, wanting the best of both, instead of making a choice or admitting to themselves their true sexual orientation. Maybe if my husband had have been man enough to do that years ago I wouldnt be in this predicament now. In the meantime, while he is making his decision, I am the one left at home in a state of confusion trying to be strong for two terribly upset little girls who cant understand why dad has gone. Its not as though we had a bad life together either, we had loads of fun, got on like a house on fire, were just comfortable in each others company. Even our sex life was good although maybe not as frequent as I would like! Everyone describes us as the ideal couple and friends who know we are on 'a break' are convinced he will see sense and come back. But obviously they dont know the real reason and this infuriates me aswell that i cannot just tell them but in truth i am too embarassed of the whole situation and am living in fear of one day having to break this shocking news to my beautiful kids. I just dont know what to do for the best. I am hoping that he will come back but then am i right to? Will this rear its ugly head again as the feelings will always be there. my husband has just told me he is bisexual and has moved out for some thinking space. Speaking to him i hold no hope for our relationship anymore as i can sense that his gay desires are winning through! The problem with all this is that we have been married almost 13 years, together for 16 and have two children of 8 and 11! He has told me that he always knew that he was bisexual from his teens but has never been with a man and now he cant get the feelings out of his mind! So why oh why did he not tell me this important piece of information before we actually got together. I thought I was marrying my soulmate, lover and best friend - we both declared that we wanted to spend our lives together.

Now I am faced with so much uncertainty. Whilst I am waiting for him to make his decision, I cant eat or sleep and am so worried that if he does decide to go and explore that side of his sexuality, I am the one left to pick up the pieces with the kids. I know that we will have to tell them one day before they find out from someone else but what do you say? How do you tell a child that the daddy she adores is now gay? I know it is not a disease and I have gay and lesbian friends - do not know anyone apart from my husband who is bisexual. I have always regarded bisexual people as quite selfish, wanting the best of both, instead of making a choice or admitting to themselves their true sexual orientation. Maybe if my husband had have been man enough to do that years ago I wouldnt be in this predicament now.

In the meantime, while he is making his decision, I am the one left at home in a state of confusion trying to be strong for two terribly upset little girls who cant understand why dad has gone. Its not as though we had a bad life together either, we had loads of fun, got on like a house on fire, were just comfortable in each others company. Even our sex life was good although maybe not as frequent as I would like! Everyone describes us as the ideal couple and friends who know we are on ‘a break’ are convinced he will see sense and come back. But obviously they dont know the real reason and this infuriates me aswell that i cannot just tell them but in truth i am too embarassed of the whole situation and am living in fear of one day having to break this shocking news to my beautiful kids. I just dont know what to do for the best. I am hoping that he will come back but then am i right to? Will this rear its ugly head again as the feelings will always be there.

]]> By: cg http://familieslikemine.com/2006/05/gay-dad-straight-mom/#comment-2274 cg Mon, 31 Dec 2007 02:50:46 +0000 http://familieslikemine.com/2006/05/gay-dad-straight-mom/#comment-2274 i found out my dad was gay about half a year ago since then life has not been the same. my dad has started to have a boyfriend. i think he is being very unfair towards my mother and is moving on too quickly. he seems to be the only one who has completely moved on. my parents still see each other and are great frineds i have found myself to be very lucky in that other divorced parents have many fights. my dad has not been thinkuing about only himself and not the rest of the family. the rest of the family is majorly suffering and me as only a 13 year old i find myslef to be growing up way too fast. What should i do? i found out my dad was gay about half a year ago since then life has not been the same. my dad has started to have a boyfriend. i think he is being very unfair towards my mother and is moving on too quickly. he seems to be the only one who has completely moved on. my parents still see each other and are great frineds i have found myself to be very lucky in that other divorced parents have many fights. my dad has not been thinkuing about only himself and not the rest of the family. the rest of the family is majorly suffering and me as only a 13 year old i find myslef to be growing up way too fast. What should i do?

]]> By: jenn http://familieslikemine.com/2006/05/gay-dad-straight-mom/#comment-2094 jenn Sat, 27 Oct 2007 02:32:04 +0000 http://familieslikemine.com/2006/05/gay-dad-straight-mom/#comment-2094 allie i read ur comment and i know how you feel im only 19 but i found out about 5 years ago that my dad was having another relationship with a man and believe me the best thing u can do is tell your mom he has no right to lie to her my dad did exactly the same thing i knew for years and i never had the guts to tell my mom..she finally figured it out about 2 months ago and i cant tell how devestated she is. believe me if i could turn back time i would have told her a long time to avoid what is happening now. people tell me that i will affect my relationships in the long run because i will have trouble trusting people but fortuantly my current boyfriend has known everything because i would tell him when we were younger so it isnt really a big deal and i dont let it bother me because truthfully you just have to think NOT ALL guys are the same because they really arent allie i read ur comment and i know how you feel im only 19 but i found out about 5 years ago that my dad was having another relationship with a man and believe me the best thing u can do is tell your mom he has no right to lie to her my dad did exactly the same thing i knew for years and i never had the guts to tell my mom..she finally figured it out about 2 months ago and i cant tell how devestated she is. believe me if i could turn back time i would have told her a long time to avoid what is happening now. people tell me that i will affect my relationships in the long run because i will have trouble trusting people but fortuantly my current boyfriend has known everything because i would tell him when we were younger so it isnt really a big deal and i dont let it bother me because truthfully you just have to think NOT ALL guys are the same because they really arent

]]> By: allie http://familieslikemine.com/2006/05/gay-dad-straight-mom/#comment-2074 allie Wed, 24 Oct 2007 06:40:18 +0000 http://familieslikemine.com/2006/05/gay-dad-straight-mom/#comment-2074 I found out my father is gay by accident also, and it was really hurtful for me. I was not upset that he was gay but I was upset that we were lied to our whole lives. My mom doesn't really know and I don't know what to do.. I don't know if I should tell her or if she does actually know and is staying in the marriage for appriences. I'm very confused right now, but I have a loving husband, but its hard for me to trust people now.. I'm always on edge. I found out my father is gay by accident also, and it was really hurtful for me. I was not upset that he was gay but I was upset that we were lied to our whole lives. My mom doesn’t really know and I don’t know what to do.. I don’t know if I should tell her or if she does actually know and is staying in the marriage for appriences. I’m very confused right now, but I have a loving husband, but its hard for me to trust people now.. I’m always on edge.

]]> By: Linda http://familieslikemine.com/2006/05/gay-dad-straight-mom/#comment-2044 Linda Mon, 15 Oct 2007 15:34:04 +0000 http://familieslikemine.com/2006/05/gay-dad-straight-mom/#comment-2044 I am the mother of a 13 year old daughter. Her father and I divorced 9 years ago because he is gay. He recently told our daughter and now I'm trying to figure out how to put the pieces back together. My daughter lives with me and sees her dad once a month (he lives 4 hours away). She is not comfortable talking about his sexuality with me or him and it's causing a huge gap in their relationship. Does anyone know of any books, resources, etc. that are available for a young teen with a gay parent? I am the mother of a 13 year old daughter. Her father and I divorced 9 years ago because he is gay. He recently told our daughter and now I’m trying to figure out how to put the pieces back together. My daughter lives with me and sees her dad once a month (he lives 4 hours away). She is not comfortable talking about his sexuality with me or him and it’s causing a huge gap in their relationship.

Does anyone know of any books, resources, etc. that are available for a young teen with a gay parent?

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