Dec 1st, 2003
She’s bisexual and married to a man.
Q:
I am a bisexual woman married to a man. We have two toddlers. While we might have the outside appearance of being a heterosexual couple, most of our friends and social activities are LGBT.
My husband is straight but, he is also active in his LGBT group at his company — works on the parade float, performs in the parade, goes to parties, etc.
Our children are definitely being raised in queer culture. How do we explain this to them as they are growing up?
A:
I am sure you have noticed that so much of the conversation about LGBT parents is really about “same-sex parents.” Bisexual parents who are married to someone of the opposite sex are often overlooked for the very reason that their sexual orientation is not as obvious — they are mistaken for heterosexual couples.
Your kids are young enough that your family’s involvement in the LGBT community will be something they know and accept. You take pride in being a part of this community; they will probably enjoy it, too.
Still, they will need you to help them find the words to better understand their family. They need to hear in casual and frequent ways that you are bisexual or whatever word works best for you to describe yourself. If you don’t say anything, as they grow up, they will wonder but will be afraid to ask.
What matters to the kids is that your sexuality is not going to threaten your relationship with their dad. Most of the conversations they will overhear in the LGBT community about bisexual parents will involve someone coming out and then divorcing. They need to know that for you, part of being bisexual means that you love their dad very much and you are staying with him.
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Related Links:
bisexual.org: A resource site maintained by the Bisexual Foundation
I couldn’t agree more with your advice Abigail. The woman in question is quite openly bisexual to the world and their whole family is involved in the gay community. Both the children’s parents consider themselves part of the gay community. Therefore it is important that the children know the nature of their involvement. it’s better that they find out from their own parents, about their sexual orientation, rather than someone else.
They also need to be equipped for possible teasing at school. Finally, as you said, the children will have no doubt have questions to ask about their families involvement within the gay community.
I think it’s great that you are both so active in the LGBT community, while remaining a married couple. Your children are so young that they will think your social activities are normal…until they get into school and learn from friends’ families what else is “normal”. You are teaching them by example that all people are different and special, and this will turn them into non-judgemental adults…which the world can always use more of!!!
P.S. After 23 years as a lesbian, my mother is committed to a man. My 4 year old son spends lots of time with my Mom’s ex who still lives as a lesbian. He calls her and her partner “Grandma.” Someday he’ll learn that it’s different, but for now I enjoy the innocence.
I always enjoy reading your advice (though sometimes I do so a while after it comes out).
When I read the recent advice item about a bi married woman with kids, it occurred to me to suggest a yahoo group I read called “Making Mixed Orientation Marriages Work.” (I’m a bi man married to a straight woman.)
Link: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/MMOMW/
I’ve found the group to be a good place to find people who can debunk the myth that a marriage with one gay or bi partner cannot work.
Best regards,
Robert
Being bisexual is infidelity and thus confused. Choose one and forget the other.
Abigail,
You can also check out http://www.dottiesmagicpockets.com for “Dottie’s Magic Pockets” - a new DVD aimed at helping all kids understand and accept queer families.
Good luck!