Q:

I came out when my daughter was in high school. She has terminated all contact with me since that time. It has now been ten years since we have had any real substantive conversation. Do you suppose that she will ever come to terms with this issue and move on in her life?

— Gay Dad with Lingering Pain

A:

I am sorry that you are hurting. Although you might feel alone in your situation, it is more common than you think. Sometimes the public pressure to prove that LGBT families are perfect only contributes to the isolation of families that are facing challenges, often preventing them from asking for help.

I have heard often from parents in your situation who say, “S/he’s an adult now. If s/he wanted to contact me, s/he could.” Even though she is an adult, you are still your father and she is still your daughter. Perhaps from the perspective of your daughter, she thinks it is still your role to reach out first and set the example. What efforts have you made recently to get in contact with her?

Write her about what’s new in your life (not just about being gay), send her birthday cards, send her a phone card, make sure she has your current phone number and address. Don’t let anything — short of a restraining order — stop you from letting her know that you want a relationship with her. If she communicates to you directly (as opposed to via her mother or siblings) that she does not want a relationship with you, ask for at least a few counseling sessions. (If your daughter is straight, a straight but gay-friendly counselor would be best.)

Let her know you love her unconditionally and that you will never reject her, even if she doesn’t want contact with you. And that you will be there for her if she ever changes her mind.

Whatever you do, do not give up.